Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Now that Michael Jackson has quit the US for Bahrain it's clear that someone needs to fill the weirdo void left in America's heart. At the front of the queue is the typically understated Mrs Britney Kfed-Spears. Sources say she's splashed out on lavish decorations and furnishings to transform her son Sean's bedroom into the traditional nativity scene.
Spears, once famously a virgin and now famously not, wants her son to experience a truly magical first Christmas. You know the way your mother used to do by giving you a god complex complete with waxwork lowing cattle and multicultural we three kings.
Don't worry she'll still be professionally known as the perpetual sartorial disaster Christina Aguilera.
In other Aggie marriage news, Britney Spears has presented the couple with a self help book on how to have a successful marriage. Apparently the key is to marry someone who just wants your money, never washes/works and can provide you with a kid which will still be there long after he's run off with Lindsey Lohan (read: anyone else with some cash and no stretch marks).
Wild child 30 year old Tara Reid, who as you can see takes a very proactive stance on the issue of the invasion of celebrities privacy, has secretly embarked on a very private liaison with a young man. So desperate to keep her name out of the press Miss Reid is now said, by only the most insider sources (sooo private is this relationship), to be dating Paris Latsis (aka boy Paris, Parasite's ex boyfriend) .
You can see why someone who respects their privacy like Tara would date such a low key chap, no gossip column (except the junkie) is interested in what will inevitably turn into the centuries greatest meeting of loins (did I say that? I meant minds, minds).
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Well apparently half of Australia agrees with me, at a recent star studded event which the hairy faced one was hosting he decided to make continuous gags all night about his recent phone related criminal conviction. This resulted in a steady stream of viewers switching off leaving about 15000 viewers.
For those of you not in the know Crowe was recently convicted for bludgeoning a hotel employee with the hotel phone after finding that it didn't work, for which he was sentenced to a piffling fine which really hurt him in his bulging Hollywood wallet. He helpfully clarified that "traveling businessmen get touchy or testy with hotel staff in every major city all around the world" Well that's ok then, bludgeon away.
If you have a sugar daddy and I imagine most of my readers do, you're all fabulous right? I'd be asking him for these lovelies this Christmas. I know I've already asked Santa for some gold shoes but is one pair really enough, I'm a junkie for crying out loud. Besides I loved how Net-A-Porter have described these babies as day heels, so tea and cakes at the Ritz.
No no the title doesn't refer to what Jude Law and his Primrose Hill friends get up to on a Saturday night (although it probably does) but the Simple life's new incarnation.
Parasite Hilton and Nicole 'Boney' Richie have sold their show to American TV network E!. The premise this time is that the girls step in for a regular wife and perform all her wifely duties (no problems there Paris). The girls swap over and at the end the lucky husband gets to tell the world which Hollywood superbrat cut the matrimonial mustard.
Sounds good, maybe they can do it in the UK, they could step in for Debbie McGee and let the quite frankly bonkers Paul Daniels cut them in half, in increasingly embarrassingly attended magic shows, Brilliant. (Sorry to any US readers who have no idea who McGee and Daniels are, I couldn't even begin to explain.)
|Your Fashion Style is Girly|
I wouldn't have placed myself as girlie but whaddya know?
Edit: Just read this post again, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Workout, you kill me ha ha.
Cruise recently revealed that he and Katie had no plans to actually marry until after the child(thing) is born, which Katie's fiercely Catholic dad is sure to be thrilled about. He also tipped off an American interviewer that he was keen to keep an eye on his growing alien fetus (ok he never said that verbatim) via the purchase of an ultrasound machine which he intended to donate to a local hospital following the birth. All together now, aaahhh!
Decembers selection is pearls, white ones, black ones, grey ones, short or long they are always a winner. Audrey knew it , Jackie Kennedy knew it and the Queen (I don't mean Elton) always teams a classic string with her twinset (you could do worse for a style role model!)
Wear them this month with party dresses and look glam or wear them with a simple victoriana style blouse and look sexy secretary smart. They do happen to be in fashion this month and are in perfect keeping with the seaons new ladylike style but do yourself a favour and buy whatever you can get your grubby mitts on real or fake and I guarantee you'll still be wearing them this time next year. A timeless classic.
Penny Lancaster gave birth to a lovely baby boy in a London hospital in the early hours of Sunday morning. Around about the same time that Rod's daugher Skanky was breaking it off with her third fiance this year. I bet she's the family member who always gets drunk at Christmas and ruins it for everyone, with her hair.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Is it just me who thinks Anna Nicole Smith deserves the 88 million dollar settlement of her deceased hubby? It seems clear to me that when a young big breasted blonde glamour model marries a 195 year old man that she is entitled to his entire estate. He probably went out with a smile on his face, she's doing a public service!
I imagine this is what spoilt heiress and gossip fodder Paris Hilton looked like when the authorities came to take away her newest pet Baby luv.
Baby luv is a kinkajou (spelling may not be accurate) which is pretty much a fancy monkey for those of us who don't care and also an illegal immigrant in Hilton's native LA. She picked him up in Las Vegas but sadly he'll have to be returned as the authorities put their foot down (I bet Daddy never did).
This is a real shame for the rest of the world as last week the monkey went mad in a lingerie shop scratching at Hilton's face. (Maybe the monkey is MaryKate Olsen, Paris's boyfriend's ex, in disguise?)
Well if the acting career doesn't work out you can always turn to tree felling to pay for Gucci handbags.
The Challenge? To find an item of clothing more hilarious and hideous than this t-shirt, the spirit of the wolf!
A very good friend of mine tells me a colleague of hers has a particular fondness for a fleece coat with a fetching snow scene embroidered on the back. Now how useful is that? An illustration to help you better understand the appropriate place to wear a piece of clothing. Like a bikini with a beach on it or crotchless panties with a back alley picture. But seriously this is beside the point. I want links to sites with actual pictures of these horrific clothes. A description won't count because I know you readers you're all just twisted enough to make such an item up by yourself. Just like me.
The Retail Junkie loves some audience participation, so by special request we post about Kimberly Stewart (for our British readers, the daughter of wrinkly rocker Rod Stewart and formally known as Skanky McSkankerton, and the blonde on the right) and her deep and truly meaningful engagement to Laguna Beach "star" talon Torreiro (for our British readers, as far as I can work out Laguna beach is a kind of Real OC reality show).
Sad to say this Romeo and Juliet love match and heaven sent engagement (cough publicity stunt) is off a full two weeks after they announced the glorious event.
McSkankerton (cough Paris Hilton wannabee publicity whore) and talon have released the following joint statement:
"It was just too soon to enter into a lifelong commitment. It is better to have a brief engagement than a short marriage. The couple continue to spend their time together and are open to what the future may hold"
Too bad I'm sure she would have made a truly horrific bride.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Item Two: Take That (sans Robbie) are reforming to tour UK venues next year, for a staggering 15 million quid each!
they have finally confirmed the date, hooray! Elton has confirmed in UK mag attitude that he and his long term partner David Furnish are to marry on the 21st December, the day it becomes legal in the UK for same sex couples to marry.
Sadly they have also confirmed that the big day is set to be a small private affair with only close friends and family. But we know that includes famous thigh flasher, Liz Hurley and the Brand Beckham family.
Ooo I can't wait for pictures of the dress!
The man, the legend that is Ricky 'shake you bon bon' Martin (pictured above 'in his nude') has confessed that he likes the old golden shower in the shower.
"I love giving the golden shower. I've done it before in the shower. It's like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different."
It's not clear if this revelation made to an American magazine is due to language difficulties but for Friday's sake I prefer to think not.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
1. You spend a lot of your time not only shopping, but thinking about shopping and engaging in shopping-type activities such as window-shopping or going through sales magazines.
2. You experience anything more than an hour a day of uncontrollable urges and thoughts about shopping.
3. You constantly experience a sense of pleasure or elation after a purchase.
4. You experience a high degree of guilt and remorse after the initial high has passed. The degree of interference and stress you experience is particularly important because it maintains the cycle.
5. You deal with the resulting feelings of guilt and remorse by taking things back to the place of purchase or by giving them away.
6. Your shopping interferes with your ability to work effectively and your ability to function in society.
7. You feel that things are out of your own personal control. Even if you recognise that you need to cut down on your spending and your credit card use, you may not be able to because of overriding urges.
8. A lot of the things you buy go unused. Quite often the pattern will be that a compulsive shopper buys not one pair of shoes, but the whole set because they can't decide which colour they like.
9. You constantly think about your next purchase, as well as worrying about lost buying opportunities.
If you said yes 1-3 times you need to try harder, 4-7 times is pretty impressive and 8-9 times you're probably me.
P.S Number 6 is my favourite, let me know how you rate!
Well maybe it's because Jude has and possibly still is poking every A lister in Primrose Hill, including the help, or is it because Sienna also has issues keeping her underwear on when in the company of Jude's friend's and selected super spys?
I can't help feeling a little bit sorry that it isn't working out, I mean you wouldn't want to inflict either of them on anyone else. Maybe they deserve each other?
"After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways. This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time."
Now you just need to leave off the sunbeds and peroxide for a while and everything will be ok.
The Retail Junkie predicts a meteroric Kidman-esque rise to the top for this young lady.
Dear Father Christmas
This year the Retail Junkie has been a very good girl. She has set up a blog to share her views with what at the last count appeared to be 47 people, she managed to do this in office time in order to slightly screw her evil bosses and she only bitched about the most deserving celebrities and those who should know better.
Bearing all this in mind Santa the Retail Junkie would like to present her list and to make this especially easy she has included a visual aid.
I know that the bag probably costs approximately a thousand quid and that the shoes probably don't come in much under but as I've said, good girl, very grateful etc etc.
Looking forward to xmas day thanks a million.
The Retail Junkie
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
So girls what's it to be? Winters here so the question on everyone's lips is boots? Are they in your jeans or over?
Is this a look for our equestrian friends (see slightly kinky photo) or is it the quickest way to looking like Kate Moss sans those pesky addictions?
Let the world know what you think, I'm personally still debating the issue.
Should you stumble across my blog while flicking through Blogger, which I suspect you won't, please please please take a good hard look at this picture of yourself, see that person with the horrified look on their face just over your left shoulder? That honey, is you from the future and she's looking at you that way because you are her ghost of Christmas past. It would seem that life gets tough for you from now on, the relentless hours in makeup to get that sweet orange glow, the exhausting weeks, months and finally years you will spend attempting to convince the world your sham marriage to that porn star loving dude is a true love match, just take a peek over your shoulder to see the toll they are going to take on you.
The message then? Get real Jessica, no more plastic surgery or fake marriages, stick to what you do best belting out hits(ish) and gyrating in a bikini, then hopefully we can avoid the whole Christmas eve look back at your life, realize it was all a sham and buy everyone a turkey malarky.
Don't say I didn't try to warn you....
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Britney, Britney, Britney we saw you buy thousands of dollars of Victoria's secret underwear last week. So where is it?
I know you just had a baby, but you have 650 servants....
Seriously those things need some support. Can I recomend some braffolding?
This dress is an exact replica of the Roland Mouret galaxy dress that has been worn by everyone from Cameron Diaz to Victoria 'skeletor' Beckham. The dress comes in black satin, has cute cap sleeves and is cut in such a way that it will flatter everyone's figure.
If you can get your hands on it BUY THIS DRESS .
P.s. There are a number to be had on EBAY, work that PAYPAL ladies.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Got a problem? Need a shoulder to cry on? We at the retail junkie feel your pain. And just so you know we mean it we are endeavoring to solve all your problems. Whilst this may be achieved by pictures of drunk celebrities or a little retail therapy we know there are lots of people just dying to get something off their chest. So this is your opportunity, coming soon to the retail junkie is our very own agony aunt, fresh out of advice university she's full of good ideas. So get in touch, leave a comment and she'll try to ease your woes. If you don't post a comment you'll never know if she could help!
Mischa Barton (star of the OC) has revealed that her publicist once tried to pimp her out to Leonardo DiCaprio (star of movies such as Titanic) to help raise her profile in tinseltown. He reportedly ordered "For the sake of your career, go and sleep with that man".
The real story here however is why she said no. Miissccha (the much consononted one) claims it was because he was OMG like, thirty or something, that would be so totally gross.
The moral of the story is......................................................................................
Mischa Barton - Leo DiCaprio =
Cisco Adler (her current significant other)
Following on from our new special request posts I feel I need to say a little something about excessively short skirts. Last night in the pub there was a girl with the most ridiculously short dress on, now not to be bitchy (ha) she didn't have the best legs (it's always the way) and the skirt was sooo short that quite frankly I began to question whether the colour actually matched her vulva.
Now girls (you know who you are), I sat and watched one horrified bloke brush her off and listened to my two male companions discuss the skirts various de-merits. The honest truth is that men don't want to see your"see you next Tuesday" before you are safely ensconced back in their love palace. At that stage get it out, wave it around, whatever makes you happy. The moral of the story is and I feel like someone's grandma saying it, a little mystery goes along way.
By special request I post about city shorts. This lovely young lady to our left is now a regular site in the choicest watering holes in my "fabulous undisclosed location" and I'm pretty much guessing this is a nationwide epidemic.
But what do we really think? Well my friends and I think they are about as appealing as an inappropriately physical hug from your sleazy boss. If you were in any doubt we hate them, and their winter incarnation with tights? We hate that even more. But there seem to be enough of you out there who do really like them, so justify yourselves girls let this be your forum. And by the way the short short versions... There really is no excuse.
Photo courtesy of ASOS, where you can get your very own pair of demented knee exposers.
Tara Tara Reid, this girl is massive fodder for American gossip blogs, columns etc etc but in the UK we normally only get her cleaned up image. However on inspecting ( and I mean that in the most personal sense-check her now infamous nipple slip) her seamier side i'm getting to like the girl more and more. If you've seen any of her recent press you'll have seen her trawling the streets of hollywood clutching an excessively used suede prada lovely and a plastic bag full of tit tape and here's why...
"But you would think my boob had popped out and shot Gandhi!" "My hooters are under control. I'm taped up now, totally. I'm using double tape. Double double tape. My boobs are going nowhere again."
Now i'm not berating her for her fondness for one particular handbag either, don't get me wrong. If it came to it I think i'd have to forgo the newest buckled spangeled kid leather beauty for a few nights on the tiles. And I love to shop. Maybe me, Tara and Kirsten Dunst (see earlier post) should hook up and get laced..... Rehab anyone.
Friday, November 04, 2005
These sharp tongued bitches are awesome. After all who doesn't want to laugh at the sartorial errors of those infinitely richer than you who should be able to pay someone to know better.