Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Phew sorry I've been away for a while, but every good Junkie knows it's a good time to score when Kate's in town (Strictly Giraffe Hair and vintage clothes of course).
Anyway without further ado I present the Federfugs. I love this picture, lil Kevvy all done up nice and looking like like Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear . And Brit Brit, aw sweety, so glad you could get time off from the all night diner to attend the local pig wrestling and hog tying championship awards. Just you watch that moonshine sweety, you know that's how you ended up with lil Cletus. Oh and if Kevvy wouldn't mind keeping his damn greasy hands off my bargain basement dress, I want it back clean. I have that annual 80's magicians assistant convention to go to Saturday and you know how tough it is to get cheese stains out of Polyester.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Shortly before Christmas he was spotted destroying an enormous Christmas tree. But, his latest binge has surpassed even this. After sinking a few cheeky sodas he declared he couldn't pay, as his wallet had been stolen, and asked the bar to run a tab for him. He then proceeded to launch into a series of karate kicks in the middle of the floor. Concluding the evening with a plate of chicken wings, the bones of which he kindly left on the floor. That's my boy.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
"What face shall I wear today for the Gaultier show? I could wear my 00's face, all taut, grown up glamour, worthy of writing children's books and iconic electropop. No, I think I need something more retro. Something which harks back to my golden age of (Gaultier) conical bras, fingerless gloves and neon tights. There it is my 80's face. All pseudo pre-Goth pale face, dark lips and high eyebrows. Perfect. Now if I can just find my Dutchess of York Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson's hair I'm good to go."
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
"Nobody cares, particularly the photographers, nobody cares to focus on what that is. She was just walking down the street with her girlfriend and they rushed her - four of them all surrounded her. So she panicked and slipped and all this sort of stuff. If I'd been there that would have been a really serious situation. I tell you right now, they will be tarred and feathered if they hassle my pregnant wife again."
And by tarred an feathered you know he means beaten to death with a phone. But personally, I can't blame him. His poor pregnant wife shouldn't have to put up with that crap. As far as I'm aware she doesn't court the media and even if she did there's no excuse for a group of men chasing a pregnant woman down the street. Go chase Paris Hilton she loves it.
See, I do have a soul, normal bitchy service will resume in the next post.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I'm sorry to disappoint all the friends fans out there but the long awaited and much touted, yesterday, 4 episode reunion special aint gonna happen. This is clearly because there is one rule of success as far as movies and TV go. And that is, that to be successful you must either be having sex with Brad Pitt or never to have considered becoming biblical with him.
Such is the power of Pitt's potency that he can ruin a potential starlet after just a minor fling. Past loves include:
Do you remember Robin Givens or Jill Schoelen? Na I didn't think so. And the exception that proves the rule? Gwyneth Paltrow.
Monday, January 23, 2006
On Brittany Murphy's last film she was renowned for behaving like a complete arse, never knowing her lines, always late etc.Her mum was with her on set at all times and one day, a runner went to collect Brittany from her trailer.She knocked on the door and was told to come in by Brittany's mother. The runner walked in to find Brittany in her underwear, bent over her mum's knee being spanked.The runner immediately backed away saying, "I'll come back later!" But Brittany's mum calmly replied, "No, it's OK. You should see this."
I have seen this and I think it should happen to Young Hollywood more often. Mama Junkie (obviously I have to pay to call her this) spanks me all the time (at 7:30 on Thursdays) and i'm a better (more sexually deviant) person for it.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
People of the world I implore you to stand up for Harden Jamison, a Maui cab driver, who has been threatened by Paris Hilton's heavies after trying to expose to the world that her bladder control aint so hot.
Harden claims that drunken Paris took a leak in the back of his car after returning from a party with beau Starving Nachos. But after taking his story to the National Inquirer, Hilton employed, heavies got in his cab and thretadened him. Harden, obviously a hardened (sic) cab driver threw them out and called the police.
This claim will not just go away for the Hilton Ho as Harden has the towel he mopped up the pee with and has endeavoured to get Hilton back with her own DNA. Good show.
Would Cameron really hit Britney in the face with a golf club to keep her man?
"Tennis is great. You don't even notice how much you run. You get a nice body, taut legs and great butt. I'll keep on playing if I find a good partner. But I want to win every time. I am very ambitious."
I want to hate her for fancying herself so much, but frankly, I also consider myself to have a great bod and hot butt and everyone agrees with me. So if Ska-Jo is anything like me, there are enough women baying for her, underpant elastic loosening, blood. So who am I to take down a fellow homewrecker? We ridiculously beautiful human beings have to stick together, As Angie once said to me.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
When searching for a pic of Paris Hilton for this post I have to admit that I struggled to find one where she was wearing more clothes than this that I haven't already used. Which makes it all the more ironic that she's claiming that Hugh Hefner has been pursuing her for playboy but she keeps turning him down.
"They've asked me a million times," Hilton said. "Hef has been after me since I was 17, and I got offered a lot of money. But I'll never do it." Asked why she refused the Playboy offer, she replied: "Because I'm Paris Hilton."
You know what I'm hearing, "Because you've already seen the goods, when I get out of cars, on the red carpet, blowing my ex boyfriend".
That means Paris Hilton just accepted that the name Paris Hilton is synonymous with being a whore, and if that's alright by her, well it's alright with me.
May I also humbly suggest you make her listen to a tape of 'Baby got back' over and over again in her sleep so that the subliminal message gets through.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
I'm sure this comparison has been made before and while it's too late to assist Pammie with a cautionary tale I implore all you pretty blonde girls out there. Giant inflated breasts and enormous blonde hair have been DONE. Jessica Simpson I'm looking at you. And to a lesser extent you Scarlett Johansson.
Are you a pregnant celebrity? If so you'll know the toll those extra pounds take on your waistline and career. If you want to resume your size 0 figure post pregnancy, resurrect your celebrity status and keep your man (in spite of those clamoring harpies trying/ succeeding to steal him off you), you need Super-mother Posh Spice or C.R.A.P.S for short. She's faced all of these trials and tribulations and come out smiling (well she would smile if the botox didn't distort the gesture into a grimace) with her musical career intact and booming.
Angelina that means you.
Tom Cruise has given his pregnant fiancee Katie Holmes a unique 27th birthday present - a DVD compendium of every movie he has acted in. The War of the Worlds star, 43, decided there was no better gift for his wife-to-be than a full history of his long and fruitful career. A source tells British newspaper the Daily Express, "Each was inscribed with a special handwritten love message to the future mother of his child." - from Glitterati
See how lucky you are Katie, you are the mother of the first born child of the great Tom Cruise, all shall worship him and his rampant heterosexualism.
The Glitterati article also helpfully points out that Tom has movie sex with his ex-wife in three of these movies!
p.s. don't you think in this pic she has a cone head?
So, sorry about the lack of new posts yesterday but it was my birthday. Kate and I (who if you haven't sent her a card, shares the same birthday as me) hit the town, we went to a few clubs and she offered me some Cola in the toilets. But, after a quick emotional mobile phone consultation with my physician Dr Pseudonym, I stayed true to the Promises seven step programme and just said no.
Things got nasty for a few moments but just to appease Kate I scratched 'Lost in Translation was so disappointing' on the bathroom wall. We went on to a few more clubs, we lap danced - you know the score, before ending the evening in Kate's hot tub sending text messages to Pete Doherty from my phone (he doesn't have the number) like 'Kate says she was thinking of Johnny Depp's hot ass when she was having tantric sex with you'.
It was fun, but obviously I was in no fit state to write yesterday. I got the scoop on Lohan though, apparently she's actually addicted to giraffe hair, which is ground down and inserted into her asthma inhaler for easy and discreet inhalation. And that giraffe hair can cause dramatic weight loss, change your hair colour and in some circumstances, can even make you pregnant.
I'm sure you'll agree there are a couple of amazing things about this article:
1) The Colonel is real? Why did no-one tell me this before, I thought he was like the Hamburglar (because Ronald McDonald is alive and well and living in Bahrain)?
2) Does Pam honestly believe that going topless is the best way to keep people away from a fast food chicen restaurant? Pam honey, it didn't keep them away from the Oscars or any other place you've been outside in daylight. Your knockers are not the best deterrent I can think of for putting a bunch of sweaty truckers off their fried chicken.
Friday, January 13, 2006
"Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are investing millions in Los Angeles’ cake shop Sweet Lady Jane, according to American publication In Touch. For their favorite bakery, not only that the twins have reportedly invested $2 million, but also are coming up with cake ideas for Sweet Lady Jane.Sweet Lady Jane’s bakers have created wedding cakes for celebrities like Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Springsteen and Carnie Wilson." - from the Celebrity Blog
Mary-Kate and Ashley eat, least of all cakes? Unless Sweet Lady Jane make cakes made entirely from cotton wool soaked in orange juice this story must be fabricated. The Olsen's eat, ha!
"I'm quite looking forward to the day our paths will cross, which I know they will... She better live in fear. I just hope she doesn't run into me in a dark alley."
I'm always bemused with girls who blame the other woman and forgive their philandering fella, but more confuing still is how 5'5", 7 stone wet through, Sienna hopes to terrify the rather sturdy looking Daisy in said dark alley?
Thursday, January 12, 2006
In reality there seems to be no reason for the shiner, maybe bad botox?
In Hollywood, as in life, things are always better when the prettiest girls are drunk, drugged out of their minds and swinging half naked round a pole. Which is why here at the Junkie we would like to offer Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan a safe haven where their drug addled antics are free to flourish, free from the restraints of laws or considerations of public decency.
After spending time off their faces in an NYC club earlier this week scraping "scarlet is a c*nt" on the toilet wall with a razor blade, they moved on a few days later to this;
But the fun really started when Moss jumped on the stage nearest the main bar and began grinding against a pole, much to the delight of hundreds of red-blooded banker types.
"Kate was going wild," a witness told us. "After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers..." - from Page Six
It's good to know that Moss is teaching young Hollywood the finer points of hell raising etiquette. Hey, maybe they'll reopen the Viper Room.
"Paris Hilton is the big American name who will be there on the night to present an award. She has exactly the right credentials to get herself into trouble on the night. She could well get herself booed by the serious rock 'n' roll contingent - and whatever happens she won't be boring." (from The Sun)
Well whatever happens, the next day the Junkie will definitely be reporting that Paris got boned by the serious rock 'n' roll contingent - only because that girl seems to get boned everywhere she goes.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Say it aint so, a contractual celebrity union forged for publicity purposes. You're breaking my true love believing little heart.
"Mr. Lachey signed over to Ms. Simpson all royalties from '98 Degrees' songs, his appearance on an MTV reality show to promote her albums and perfume line, and his soul in exchange for 41 months of marriage that would keep him in the public spotlight, The couple has been married only 38 months and Ms. Simpson is in violation of the contract, ending the union early." - Nick Lachey's attorney.
I bet all that stuff about Nick talking dirty and wearing girls shoes is crap too.