It is my sad duty to inform the world that Mariah Carey has been involved in a tragic accident while reaching for a pie which had been strategically placed beneath a precariously balanced samurai blade. The accident has left her with both arms amputated below the elbow' leaving her completely incapacitated. It also appears that whilst the samurai blade was slicing and dicing her arms an enormous bowl of decorative ugly sticks, also precariously balanced, fell and pumelled Carey around the face leaving her with a puffy, eyes like pee holes in the snow, appearance.
We at the Junkie would like to wish Mariah a speedy recovery and are just glad that her publicist is on hand to feed her the liquid lard so essential to her diet. Our hearts are with you Moo Moo.