Mr January

In recent weeks I have to confess I have become more and more attracted to Keifer Sutherland. As such, I would like to offer him the prestigious position of Mr Junkie January 2006. Not only does he possess a certain irresistible rugged charm but, like me, he obviously doesn't have that internal indicator which tells you when you've had one too many woo woo's.

Shortly before Christmas he was spotted destroying an enormous Christmas tree. But, his latest binge has surpassed even this. After sinking a few cheeky sodas he declared he couldn't pay, as his wallet had been stolen, and asked the bar to run a tab for him. He then proceeded to launch into a series of karate kicks in the middle of the floor. Concluding the evening with a plate of chicken wings, the bones of which he kindly left on the floor. That's my boy.

Spot the difference

Clue: One of them is married to Will Smith.

Shock! Horror? Tara no longer a lush.

What's this? Tara looking umm... not drunk. That's like the sun going round the moon, the snow coming down in June. Just when I thought her chance had passed...

Courtney Cute?

Is there something wrong with my eyes? Is that Courtney Love? Looking cute?

Gettin' it on!

Don’t you just hate it when your ex-husband hooks up with your new husbands ex and baby momma. It’s happened to me a few times before and let me tell you it sucks. It’s like a sex-circle and unless champagne, chocolate body paint and Jake Gyllenhall are involved that’s just wrong.

Someone get that millionaire a hairbrush!

It’s even more of a bitch when they’re a better looking couple than you.

Pick a face any face.

"What face shall I wear today for the Gaultier show? I could wear my 00's face, all taut, grown up glamour, worthy of writing children's books and iconic electropop. No, I think I need something more retro. Something which harks back to my golden age of (Gaultier) conical bras, fingerless gloves and neon tights. There it is my 80's face. All pseudo pre-Goth pale face, dark lips and high eyebrows. Perfect. Now if I can just find my Dutchess of York Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson's hair I'm good to go."

Just a wee rant

Russell Crowe is pissed with the paps and has issued a warning to them, to stay away from his pregnant wife Danielle. Blaming them for the premature birth of their first son, Charlie.

"Nobody cares, particularly the photographers, nobody cares to focus on what that is. She was just walking down the street with her girlfriend and they rushed her - four of them all surrounded her. So she panicked and slipped and all this sort of stuff. If I'd been there that would have been a really serious situation. I tell you right now, they will be tarred and feathered if they hassle my pregnant wife again."

And by tarred an feathered you know he means beaten to death with a phone. But personally, I can't blame him. His poor pregnant wife shouldn't have to put up with that crap. As far as I'm aware she doesn't court the media and even if she did there's no excuse for a group of men chasing a pregnant woman down the street. Go chase Paris Hilton she loves it.

See, I do have a soul, normal bitchy service will resume in the next post.

Kate Moss to write tell all autobiography?

Dear Kate,

No-one needs to know about the 17th June 2001. You're in enough trouble with the police already.

Love

The Retail Junkie xx

Yawn!

Celebvilles most boring on-again off-again couple Sienna and Jude are reportedly off again gkoyt k,m3yt.li543t53ut'59p3' Oops! Sorry I must have fallen asleep during that last sentence and mashed my face onto the keyboard.

The Pitt touch

I'm sorry to disappoint all the friends fans out there but the long awaited and much touted, yesterday, 4 episode reunion special aint gonna happen. This is clearly because there is one rule of success as far as movies and TV go. And that is, that to be successful you must either be having sex with Brad Pitt or never to have considered becoming biblical with him.

Such is the power of Pitt's potency that he can ruin a potential starlet after just a minor fling. Past loves include:

Juliette Lewis, Geena Davis, Jill Schoelen, Robin Givens, Jennifer Aniston and April Florio.

Do you remember Robin Givens or Jill Schoelen? Na I didn't think so. And the exception that proves the rule? Gwyneth Paltrow.

Kidman to wed

It seems that everyone in Hollywood loves gay cowboys at the moment. In other news Nicole Kidman is set to marry Keith Urban in March. The pair reportedly became engaged at Christmas and are set to wed in Oz in March. Will Katie Holmes pillow baby be born by then? I hope not - in your face Cruise.

Hit me baby one more time

Taken straight from the Holy Moly mailout:

On Brittany Murphy's last film she was renowned for behaving like a complete arse, never knowing her lines, always late etc.Her mum was with her on set at all times and one day, a runner went to collect Brittany from her trailer.She knocked on the door and was told to come in by Brittany's mother. The runner walked in to find Brittany in her underwear, bent over her mum's knee being spanked.The runner immediately backed away saying, "I'll come back later!" But Brittany's mum calmly replied, "No, it's OK. You should see this."

I have seen this and I think it should happen to Young Hollywood more often. Mama Junkie (obviously I have to pay to call her this) spanks me all the time (at 7:30 on Thursdays) and i'm a better (more sexually deviant) person for it.

Balls

"So then Penelope said, 'this is the last time Matt, Salma never makes me put her balls in my mouth'"

Paris pees her pants

People of the world I implore you to stand up for Harden Jamison, a Maui cab driver, who has been threatened by Paris Hilton's heavies after trying to expose to the world that her bladder control aint so hot.

Harden claims that drunken Paris took a leak in the back of his car after returning from a party with beau Starving Nachos. But after taking his story to the National Inquirer, Hilton employed, heavies got in his cab and thretadened him. Harden, obviously a hardened (sic) cab driver threw them out and called the police.

This claim will not just go away for the Hilton Ho as Harden has the towel he mopped up the pee with and has endeavoured to get Hilton back with her own DNA. Good show.

I guess she would.

What happens next?

The camera zoomes out just a lttle more and you can just about make out Britney in the distance sprinting across the links screaming, "Justin noooo wait, can't we just put Ben Affleck and Kevin Federline behind us and start again, Cameron never wears matching leather outfits with you, Justin noooooooo."

Would Cameron really hit Britney in the face with a golf club to keep her man?

Kate Moss loves the hot men

Maybe she's just had so much solo sex with her beautiful self that she can only get it on with ugly dudes. I would have suggested that maybe she finds talent sexy. But Jack Osborne talented?

Joaquin Phoenix is, in case you hadn't noticed, Hot.

I know Joaquin Phoenix is crazy, all hepped up on goofballs and thinks there are frogs on his head, but HOT DAMN! That's all I wanted to say about that.

Birds of a feather

Scarlett Johansson is a 40-year old man's wet dream. Seriously, she'll let you grope her massive tits, and she works out by playing tennis to keep her body in tip top condition for molestation.

"Tennis is great. You don't even notice how much you run. You get a nice body, taut legs and great butt. I'll keep on playing if I find a good partner. But I want to win every time. I am very ambitious."

I want to hate her for fancying herself so much, but frankly, I also consider myself to have a great bod and hot butt and everyone agrees with me. So if Ska-Jo is anything like me, there are enough women baying for her, underpant elastic loosening, blood. So who am I to take down a fellow homewrecker? We ridiculously beautiful human beings have to stick together, As Angie once said to me.