Mr January

In recent weeks I have to confess I have become more and more attracted to Keifer Sutherland. As such, I would like to offer him the prestigious position of Mr Junkie January 2006. Not only does he possess a certain irresistible rugged charm but, like me, he obviously doesn't have that internal indicator which tells you when you've had one too many woo woo's.

Shortly before Christmas he was spotted destroying an enormous Christmas tree. But, his latest binge has surpassed even this. After sinking a few cheeky sodas he declared he couldn't pay, as his wallet had been stolen, and asked the bar to run a tab for him. He then proceeded to launch into a series of karate kicks in the middle of the floor. Concluding the evening with a plate of chicken wings, the bones of which he kindly left on the floor. That's my boy.

Spot the difference

Clue: One of them is married to Will Smith.

Shock! Horror? Tara no longer a lush.

What's this? Tara looking umm... not drunk. That's like the sun going round the moon, the snow coming down in June. Just when I thought her chance had passed...

Courtney Cute?

Is there something wrong with my eyes? Is that Courtney Love? Looking cute?

Gettin' it on!

Don’t you just hate it when your ex-husband hooks up with your new husbands ex and baby momma. It’s happened to me a few times before and let me tell you it sucks. It’s like a sex-circle and unless champagne, chocolate body paint and Jake Gyllenhall are involved that’s just wrong.

Someone get that millionaire a hairbrush!

It’s even more of a bitch when they’re a better looking couple than you.

Pick a face any face.

"What face shall I wear today for the Gaultier show? I could wear my 00's face, all taut, grown up glamour, worthy of writing children's books and iconic electropop. No, I think I need something more retro. Something which harks back to my golden age of (Gaultier) conical bras, fingerless gloves and neon tights. There it is my 80's face. All pseudo pre-Goth pale face, dark lips and high eyebrows. Perfect. Now if I can just find my Dutchess of York Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson's hair I'm good to go."

Just a wee rant

Russell Crowe is pissed with the paps and has issued a warning to them, to stay away from his pregnant wife Danielle. Blaming them for the premature birth of their first son, Charlie.

"Nobody cares, particularly the photographers, nobody cares to focus on what that is. She was just walking down the street with her girlfriend and they rushed her - four of them all surrounded her. So she panicked and slipped and all this sort of stuff. If I'd been there that would have been a really serious situation. I tell you right now, they will be tarred and feathered if they hassle my pregnant wife again."

And by tarred an feathered you know he means beaten to death with a phone. But personally, I can't blame him. His poor pregnant wife shouldn't have to put up with that crap. As far as I'm aware she doesn't court the media and even if she did there's no excuse for a group of men chasing a pregnant woman down the street. Go chase Paris Hilton she loves it.

See, I do have a soul, normal bitchy service will resume in the next post.

Kate Moss to write tell all autobiography?

Dear Kate,

No-one needs to know about the 17th June 2001. You're in enough trouble with the police already.

Love

The Retail Junkie xx

Yawn!

Celebvilles most boring on-again off-again couple Sienna and Jude are reportedly off again gkoyt k,m3yt.li543t53ut'59p3' Oops! Sorry I must have fallen asleep during that last sentence and mashed my face onto the keyboard.

The Pitt touch

I'm sorry to disappoint all the friends fans out there but the long awaited and much touted, yesterday, 4 episode reunion special aint gonna happen. This is clearly because there is one rule of success as far as movies and TV go. And that is, that to be successful you must either be having sex with Brad Pitt or never to have considered becoming biblical with him.

Such is the power of Pitt's potency that he can ruin a potential starlet after just a minor fling. Past loves include:

Juliette Lewis, Geena Davis, Jill Schoelen, Robin Givens, Jennifer Aniston and April Florio.

Do you remember Robin Givens or Jill Schoelen? Na I didn't think so. And the exception that proves the rule? Gwyneth Paltrow.

Kidman to wed

It seems that everyone in Hollywood loves gay cowboys at the moment. In other news Nicole Kidman is set to marry Keith Urban in March. The pair reportedly became engaged at Christmas and are set to wed in Oz in March. Will Katie Holmes pillow baby be born by then? I hope not - in your face Cruise.

Hit me baby one more time

Taken straight from the Holy Moly mailout:

On Brittany Murphy's last film she was renowned for behaving like a complete arse, never knowing her lines, always late etc.Her mum was with her on set at all times and one day, a runner went to collect Brittany from her trailer.She knocked on the door and was told to come in by Brittany's mother. The runner walked in to find Brittany in her underwear, bent over her mum's knee being spanked.The runner immediately backed away saying, "I'll come back later!" But Brittany's mum calmly replied, "No, it's OK. You should see this."

I have seen this and I think it should happen to Young Hollywood more often. Mama Junkie (obviously I have to pay to call her this) spanks me all the time (at 7:30 on Thursdays) and i'm a better (more sexually deviant) person for it.

Balls

"So then Penelope said, 'this is the last time Matt, Salma never makes me put her balls in my mouth'"

Paris pees her pants

People of the world I implore you to stand up for Harden Jamison, a Maui cab driver, who has been threatened by Paris Hilton's heavies after trying to expose to the world that her bladder control aint so hot.

Harden claims that drunken Paris took a leak in the back of his car after returning from a party with beau Starving Nachos. But after taking his story to the National Inquirer, Hilton employed, heavies got in his cab and thretadened him. Harden, obviously a hardened (sic) cab driver threw them out and called the police.

This claim will not just go away for the Hilton Ho as Harden has the towel he mopped up the pee with and has endeavoured to get Hilton back with her own DNA. Good show.

I guess she would.

What happens next?

The camera zoomes out just a lttle more and you can just about make out Britney in the distance sprinting across the links screaming, "Justin noooo wait, can't we just put Ben Affleck and Kevin Federline behind us and start again, Cameron never wears matching leather outfits with you, Justin noooooooo."

Would Cameron really hit Britney in the face with a golf club to keep her man?

Kate Moss loves the hot men

Maybe she's just had so much solo sex with her beautiful self that she can only get it on with ugly dudes. I would have suggested that maybe she finds talent sexy. But Jack Osborne talented?

Joaquin Phoenix is, in case you hadn't noticed, Hot.

I know Joaquin Phoenix is crazy, all hepped up on goofballs and thinks there are frogs on his head, but HOT DAMN! That's all I wanted to say about that.

Birds of a feather

Scarlett Johansson is a 40-year old man's wet dream. Seriously, she'll let you grope her massive tits, and she works out by playing tennis to keep her body in tip top condition for molestation.

"Tennis is great. You don't even notice how much you run. You get a nice body, taut legs and great butt. I'll keep on playing if I find a good partner. But I want to win every time. I am very ambitious."

I want to hate her for fancying herself so much, but frankly, I also consider myself to have a great bod and hot butt and everyone agrees with me. So if Ska-Jo is anything like me, there are enough women baying for her, underpant elastic loosening, blood. So who am I to take down a fellow homewrecker? We ridiculously beautiful human beings have to stick together, As Angie once said to me.

Ouchie!

Reese is bummed coz her vintage Chanel was done 3 years ago at the same party by Kirsten Dunst. Her publicist says? "The big thing is Reese won the Golden Globe"

Paris too slutty for Playboy

When searching for a pic of Paris Hilton for this post I have to admit that I struggled to find one where she was wearing more clothes than this that I haven't already used. Which makes it all the more ironic that she's claiming that Hugh Hefner has been pursuing her for playboy but she keeps turning him down.

"They've asked me a million times," Hilton said. "Hef has been after me since I was 17, and I got offered a lot of money. But I'll never do it." Asked why she refused the Playboy offer, she replied: "Because I'm Paris Hilton."

You know what I'm hearing, "Because you've already seen the goods, when I get out of cars, on the red carpet, blowing my ex boyfriend".

That means Paris Hilton just accepted that the name Paris Hilton is synonymous with being a whore, and if that's alright by her, well it's alright with me.

Baby got no back

Now you can call me fickle, and you bet your ass I am, but someone needs to do something about Nicole Richie. As much as I refer to Mariah Carey as a cow I only feel so venomous about her because she has someone else feed her for christs sake, it's not really about the junk in her trunk. But this horrible 7 year old boy chic is so much worse, I just don't want to see these pictures. Apparently DJ AM is coming to her rescue though. Nicole's ex has vowed to stage an intervention (not sure what this is but I'm hoping it's some kind of speed hotdog eating contest).

May I also humbly suggest you make her listen to a tape of 'Baby got back' over and over again in her sleep so that the subliminal message gets through.

Boobarella

I'm sure this comparison has been made before and while it's too late to assist Pammie with a cautionary tale I implore all you pretty blonde girls out there. Giant inflated breasts and enormous blonde hair have been DONE. Jessica Simpson I'm looking at you. And to a lesser extent you Scarlett Johansson.

Celebrity Revolution Advice on Pregnancy Service

Are you a pregnant celebrity? If so you'll know the toll those extra pounds take on your waistline and career. If you want to resume your size 0 figure post pregnancy, resurrect your celebrity status and keep your man (in spite of those clamoring harpies trying/ succeeding to steal him off you), you need Super-mother Posh Spice or C.R.A.P.S for short. She's faced all of these trials and tribulations and come out smiling (well she would smile if the botox didn't distort the gesture into a grimace) with her musical career intact and booming.

Angelina that means you.

Most thoughtless birthday present ever?

The balance of power in the TomKat relationship has always been questionable, but Tom's gift to Katie on her 27th birthday is really quite disturbing.

Tom Cruise has given his pregnant fiancee Katie Holmes a unique 27th birthday present - a DVD compendium of every movie he has acted in. The War of the Worlds star, 43, decided there was no better gift for his wife-to-be than a full history of his long and fruitful career. A source tells British newspaper the Daily Express, "Each was inscribed with a special handwritten love message to the future mother of his child." - from Glitterati

See how lucky you are Katie, you are the mother of the first born child of the great Tom Cruise, all shall worship him and his rampant heterosexualism.

The Glitterati article also helpfully points out that Tom has movie sex with his ex-wife in three of these movies!

Katie Holmes not alone with alien baby?

Now I know things are different in celeb land, that Hollywood types can pretty much simulate anything, new worlds, new breasts, dignity, love, but the gestation period of the adult female human? That takes the biscuit. In about two weeks Angelina seems to have created a fully grown brand new child inside herself. I don't know about you but this is giving me scary flashbacks of the movie Species, where the Black widow type Alien woman goes around killing men until she finds one with the strength to impregnate her and then she kills him too. If you don't believe me, have you seen Billy-Bob recently? Be afraid Brad.

p.s. don't you think in this pic she has a cone head?

Stranger than fiction

So, sorry about the lack of new posts yesterday but it was my birthday. Kate and I (who if you haven't sent her a card, shares the same birthday as me) hit the town, we went to a few clubs and she offered me some Cola in the toilets. But, after a quick emotional mobile phone consultation with my physician Dr Pseudonym, I stayed true to the Promises seven step programme and just said no.

Things got nasty for a few moments but just to appease Kate I scratched 'Lost in Translation was so disappointing' on the bathroom wall. We went on to a few more clubs, we lap danced - you know the score, before ending the evening in Kate's hot tub sending text messages to Pete Doherty from my phone (he doesn't have the number) like 'Kate says she was thinking of Johnny Depp's hot ass when she was having tantric sex with you'.

It was fun, but obviously I was in no fit state to write yesterday. I got the scoop on Lohan though, apparently she's actually addicted to giraffe hair, which is ground down and inserted into her asthma inhaler for easy and discreet inhalation. And that giraffe hair can cause dramatic weight loss, change your hair colour and in some circumstances, can even make you pregnant.

The downside to marrying your crack dealer

Did Kevin Federslime cheat on, the Junkie's favourite slovenly Babymomma, Britney with porn star Kendra Jade (pictured)? Reports suggest that they got hot and heavy in Vegas in December, when Britney chucked him out of their Malibu home. Kendra's most famous celebrity screw to date is with the legendary Jerry Springer. Now if my sex maths is correct (and I am a master sexmatician) that means that if Britney is still doing it with Kev, she's pretty much had sex with Springer.

Pammie wants bust removed?

"Animal rights activist Pamela Anderson is in front of a campaign to have the bust of KFC founder, Harlan Sanders, removed. Not long ago, Anderson called the Kentucky natives likeness a monument to original recipe cruelty - in a press release issued through People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) - and vowed to appear topless at selected KFC outlets in order to protest the company's treatment of chickens." - The Celebrity Blog

I'm sure you'll agree there are a couple of amazing things about this article:

1) The Colonel is real? Why did no-one tell me this before, I thought he was like the Hamburglar (because Ronald McDonald is alive and well and living in Bahrain)?

2) Does Pam honestly believe that going topless is the best way to keep people away from a fast food chicen restaurant? Pam honey, it didn't keep them away from the Oscars or any other place you've been outside in daylight. Your knockers are not the best deterrent I can think of for putting a bunch of sweaty truckers off their fried chicken.

Do they think we're stupid? - They are so engaged.

There are only three reasons Cammie and JT would do this a) he finally go a movie roll without you blackmailing the producers, b) you've been away for a really long time and it's been a reallly long time (ya know I'm sayin'?) or c) after a half-assed proposal in your living room he finally came home with the $50,000 Harry Winstone Diamond. And the first two never happened.

"Hey honey - I'm not just big in Germany"

Out of my way ladies, the Hoff is back on the market. He and his wife of 16 years Pamela Bach have filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. I am praying to all my gods that somehow, some way, Jessica Simpson and the Hoff bump into one another at a party. Sparks fly, the Hoff takes her back to his bachelor pad in Kit, and in a few months a 'Newlyweds' even I would want to watch, just brilliant.

Nice day for a Pink wedding

Pink marries boyfriend Carey Hart. Normally as you know i'm a cruel heartless bitch, but I have nothing bad to say about this pair. She looks fantastic so does he and the wedding looks like a class act. Nice.

Leonardo Di Caprio rides -

model Bobbie Brown, "Baby Spice" Emma Bunton, lap dancer Karen Butler, model Naomi Campbell, singer Mariah Carey, model Helena Christensen, bartender Linnea Dietrichson, celebrity Carmen Electra, TV host Sara Foster, model Vanessa Haydon, model Bridget Hall, actress Natasha Henstridge, model Eva Herzigova, Paris Hilton, pornstar Kendra Jade, actress Juliette Lewis, model Kate Moss, model Carla Paneka, singer Bijou Phillips, actress Alicia Silverstone, model Alyssa Sourovoya, model Amber Valetta, model Gisele Bundchen, actress Sienna Miller and actress Lindsay Lohan – oops sorry no I meant a SCOOTER, yeah scooter.

Food for thought

Now you know me Junkie readers I'll normally defend the truth of even the most spurious of celebrity rumours (Cruise an alien - 'tis the height of dependable truth sir) but this one stretches even my eager will to believe.

"Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are investing millions in Los Angeles’ cake shop Sweet Lady Jane, according to American publication In Touch. For their favorite bakery, not only that the twins have reportedly invested $2 million, but also are coming up with cake ideas for Sweet Lady Jane.Sweet Lady Jane’s bakers have created wedding cakes for celebrities like Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Springsteen and Carnie Wilson." - from the Celebrity Blog

Mary-Kate and Ashley eat, least of all cakes? Unless Sweet Lady Jane make cakes made entirely from cotton wool soaked in orange juice this story must be fabricated. The Olsen's eat, ha!

Fighting talk

Understandably Sienna Miller is still quite cross about nanny Daisy Wright (picured) who famously boinked her fiance, Jude Law, last year:

"I'm quite looking forward to the day our paths will cross, which I know they will... She better live in fear. I just hope she doesn't run into me in a dark alley."

I'm always bemused with girls who blame the other woman and forgive their philandering fella, but more confuing still is how 5'5", 7 stone wet through, Sienna hopes to terrify the rather sturdy looking Daisy in said dark alley?

Bad plastic surgery or Kate Moss bitch slap - you decide

I like to think that Jess got this black eye, she was sporting yesterday, after watching Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan perform their lap dance. I imagine Jess leering at Linz and attempting to put a ten dollar bill in her g-string, shortly followed by Kate swinging round the poll and kicking her in the face for touching her little bitch.

In reality there seems to be no reason for the shiner, maybe bad botox?

The White Stuff

In Hollywood, as in life, things are always better when the prettiest girls are drunk, drugged out of their minds and swinging half naked round a pole. Which is why here at the Junkie we would like to offer Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan a safe haven where their drug addled antics are free to flourish, free from the restraints of laws or considerations of public decency.

After spending time off their faces in an NYC club earlier this week scraping "scarlet is a c*nt" on the toilet wall with a razor blade, they moved on a few days later to this;

But the fun really started when Moss jumped on the stage nearest the main bar and began grinding against a pole, much to the delight of hundreds of red-blooded banker types.
"Kate was going wild," a witness told us. "After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers..." - from Page Six

It's good to know that Moss is teaching young Hollywood the finer points of hell raising etiquette. Hey, maybe they'll reopen the Viper Room.

I must read things more carefully

Whilst reading this seemingly inane announcement that Hilton is to present an award at the brits I was momentarily cheered when I misread booed for boned.

"Paris Hilton is the big American name who will be there on the night to present an award. She has exactly the right credentials to get herself into trouble on the night. She could well get herself booed by the serious rock 'n' roll contingent - and whatever happens she won't be boring." (from The Sun)

Well whatever happens, the next day the Junkie will definitely be reporting that Paris got boned by the serious rock 'n' roll contingent - only because that girl seems to get boned everywhere she goes.

Who needs stitching up?

Shock horror - Celeb marriage a publicity stunt?

Say it aint so, a contractual celebrity union forged for publicity purposes. You're breaking my true love believing little heart.

"Mr. Lachey signed over to Ms. Simpson all royalties from '98 Degrees' songs, his appearance on an MTV reality show to promote her albums and perfume line, and his soul in exchange for 41 months of marriage that would keep him in the public spotlight, The couple has been married only 38 months and Ms. Simpson is in violation of the contract, ending the union early." - Nick Lachey's attorney.

I bet all that stuff about Nick talking dirty and wearing girls shoes is crap too.

Get it here first!

It's official. No, not the Pitt-Jolie Demi-God child. The Junkie confirmed that days ago, it's official that the Junkie really is the bestest place to get your hot gossip, ON THE PLANET. The Junkie's personal physician Dr Pseudonym has confirmed that self-aggrandising is good for the soul. So just for the record the junkie is even more smokin' hot than Angie's fetus, official.

Spring wedding for Diaz and Timberlake?

May be i'm just desperate for gossip but aren't those shoes Cammie is trying on a little bridal? I'm going to say yes, that's proof enough for me that they are getting hitched.