Off for Christmas

Well that's it for '05 Junkie's i'm off to get lashed on free booze paid for by satan's bog brush (a.k.a the boss). Hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

I'm back on the 3rd Jan and i'm only blogging if Britney serves the divorce papers on K-Fed!

See you in '06.

Vince Vaughan be afraid

Now I feel is the time for the Junkie to wade into the debate over Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I've bided my time and taken in all the information and now over 12 months on I feel ready to give them both a piece of my mind. (One of the pieces not nibbled by mice I hasten to add.)

Now at first my loyalties lay with Team Aniston, after all she was the injured party, and Brad Pitt had the audacity to say in public that he always considered marriage to be a not forever kind of thing.

Then she burnt her wedding dress, whilst drunk, and danced around the burning pyre that was her marriage to the worlds most fancied man.

Then she said this,

"I hope to be on the road to having a family in the next year. I've said this before and I desperately don't want to repeat myself, but I just like being in a partnership."

As I read this the music from psycho which Janet Leigh died to, which I assume Vaughan is familiar, with filtered through my thoughts. This statement makes Aniston sound like one of those chicks who forget to take the contraceptive pill or forget that they heated a sewing needle and discreetly pierced each of the 48 condoms in the bedside drawer. Creepy.

The dress we were all dying to see

Thankyou soo much to top site the Superficial for this photo. I know it's probably fake but quite frankly who cares. I am loving the idea of that leathery strip of beef jerky Donatella Versace zipping the fabulous Elton John into his enormous bespoke Versace gown.

I love Elton and I don't have a bad word to say about him and if he wants to dance around on his wedding day wearing a dress that Mariah Carey woudl have selected then that's ok with the Junkie. Donatella though, well she's got a face like a bucket of smashed crabs and that's the nicest thing I can think of to say about her.

Britney gets her priorities right

Brit brit is apparently suing American mag US weekly for $20 million in damages after they scurrilously published rumours (would you believe such a thing) about the existence of a Britney/K-fed sex tape which apparently had her lawyers in stitches.

It's nice to know that Britney cares that the gossip community all think she actually has sex with that hairball but not that we think he a) needs a wash b) cannot rap for toffee (and she knows it) and c) cynically married her for her money.

Bradvestite

Well I knew Jolie likes girls but this is ridiculous.

Breaking News

Sienna Miller, the Junkie's guest pubic hair public health announcer has shocked the literary world today by announcing that she has penned two lines of verse to read to lover Jude Law on Christmas, the one year anniversary of their engagement, which will melt even the most hardened womanisers heart. It goes as follows:

"We've had our ups and downs this year. But I'm so alone when you're not near.
You make me frown and make me smile. But I won't be down when we walk up the aisle."

Look out Shakespeare.

In other Sienna revelations she has admitted that she's always had a deep love of meaningful poetry and often quotes classic verse with friends.

"It sounds so pretentious but it's one of my favourite things.
I've got this group of friends who are quite bohemian and we get drunk, get the books out and read."

Pretentious? No. I've had many a night like that they often begin, "there was a young girl from Nantucket"

Scariest photograph EVER!

Oh my god.

Why is Mickey Mouse hiding in her hair?

Why is that little bloke, mini me, from Austin Powers and his twin hiding in her dress?

Why has someone attached grappling hooks fixed to wires onto her face and is now standing right behind her out of sight pulling on them really really hard?

Alicia Silverstone, Brittany needs you again and this time forget all that, be yourself, you're beautiful inside crap. Help her look pretty and for the love of god save her face before it rips in two down the middle and scoots off round the back of her head.

Edit: Oh and also I hear she needs a new agent so if anyone is interested in attempting to ressurect her career? I hear there's some chap out there called Lazarus who might just be able to do the trick.

"Give me the full Brazilian"

Sienna demostrates why we should all keep up to date with our bikini waxes.

"It's a fair cop guv"

Well wouldn't you know it. In a serious case of life imitating the art of Pete Doherty only two days after exiting rehab the Retail Junkie was cruelly arrested and held in custody for a long weekend on suspicion of possession of illegal narcotics. It turns out all I was carrying was smarties and tic tacs but would the police believe me? Well obviously no.

Anyway the point is i've been away for a while but I haven't deserted by devoted Junkies. I probably won't be posting much before next year now but stay tuned for fresh goss in the new year.

Merry Gin Soaked Christmas and a very Drunken New Year!

So I said "if you're gonna do it do it right do it with me!"

I love it when people make wild overblown completely unsubstantiated claims about people who are now dead and are completely unable to defend themselves against said claims. George Michael has announced to the world that Princess Diana totally had the hots for him and couldn't wait to get him into bed. He wasn't all that keen on her, her not having a willy and all, and basically avoided her. The implication being that this clearly led to her spiralling despair and eventual death.

On that note Marlon Brando came on to me once. I told him to get lost, live on an island and get incredibly fat...the rest folks is history.

Conversation in a drag bar - Part 2

Amanda Playwith: You know that rule that girls shouldn't wear full on eyeshadow AND full on lipstick if they wanna avoid lookin' like whores.

Iona Sextoy: Mmmm Hmmm.

AP: Just explain to me again why it isn't a good look to look like a hooker?

IS: Honey child it is my goal in life to look as available as possible to anyone or anything, now move over girl I think I just spotted a Greek shipping heir.

Calling Robbie Williams

According to FemaleFirst.co.uk Robbie Williams is blaming his failure as a womaniser on the fact that he has lots of cash. I can see where he's coming from. I mean it's not as though ugly, possibly homosexual, oldish, rich men have ever been able to secure the affections of young, nubile, super hot nymphs in holy and happy matrimony before.

So in the name of all that is good in this world I would personally like to offer my assistance to Mr Williams and selflessly offer to take his millions. I know what you're thinking. Don't do it Junkie it'll ruin your life, how will you ever be happy. Well I know the risks but so a slightly mangled tattooed bloke from Stoke can achieve true romantic happiness.... I'll do it. Robbie give me a call.

Rehab Junkie

Phew, sorry I've been away for a while but rehab was calling and I haven't seen all my bestest friends in the "clinic" for months and boy was I "exhausted". While I was there I bumped into Irish bad boy Colin Farrell, also "exhausted". Don't let the photo fool you those aren't aren't artfully arranged pieces of tough guy jewellery on his wrists he's actually strapped to the chair.

Anyway he leaked to the junkie that the reason he was in rehab was because filming the big screen version of Miami Vice was getting all too much for the poor little leprechaun. So he decided to smoke a little exhaustion, snort a little exhaustion, use a little unidentified exhaustion and then get rushed to hospital following an exhaustion overdose. Just another occupational hazard for those hardworking actors, like getting herpes from Paris Hilton.

It's all over

Aahh how sad the family portrait we'll never see again. The stick thing and DJ AM are no more. I am actually quite surprised. I mean she got together with him when he was chunkie and now he's emaciated too they're over? What the hell? I believed in you guys and you're letting me down! I watched you surprise her on the simple life! How could you do this to me! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE!

You're once twice....threeeeee times a lady and I looooeeeoooove yoou I looooeeeovvveee yoouu.

Phew I think I need a little lie down.

Tragedy strikes!

It is my sad duty to inform the world that Mariah Carey has been involved in a tragic accident while reaching for a pie which had been strategically placed beneath a precariously balanced samurai blade. The accident has left her with both arms amputated below the elbow' leaving her completely incapacitated. It also appears that whilst the samurai blade was slicing and dicing her arms an enormous bowl of decorative ugly sticks, also precariously balanced, fell and pumelled Carey around the face leaving her with a puffy, eyes like pee holes in the snow, appearance.

We at the Junkie would like to wish Mariah a speedy recovery and are just glad that her publicist is on hand to feed her the liquid lard so essential to her diet. Our hearts are with you Moo Moo.

In da Bungalow

Sienna Miller has obviously been listening to Mischa Barton's publicist (see Thursday November 10th post) and is getting it on with Leonardo DiCaprio for the sake of her career.

At least that's what onlookers at Bungalow 8 (super hot NYC club) have reported. Of course they were only seen flirting but we know what's going on. A little bumping uglies to wind up the Judester aye Miller you dirty little monkey.

Robbie Williams not gay

Okay okay Bob I'll stop referring to you as that Turd burglar that used to be in Take That.

What's so bad about being gay anyway? You wouldn't have to feel up that munter anymore who has clearly never been introduced to a little thing called a hairbrush. There must be wild stoats living in there. Brush it Hunter.

Not as dumb as she looks

I smell something fishy about this whole marriage breakup stuff (and it's not Federline) it's all a little too public. The unceremonious ferrari return, the chasing to Vegas, the partying with Spears brother and then all the missed public engagements including the Billboard's.

I think this is all working out according to little Britney's plan. Have a year off, get married again, have a baby, get fat, chuck out your skanky husband, keep your cute baby coz you know he doesn't want them having left 2 behind already.

All whilst keepin her name, image and every movement the hottest pap ticket in town...... Smart girl.

Angie baby

Oh Angie what have you done? This whole Brad adopting your cute kids thing. Honey you are too hot for him. He's too obvious. Is it because he was married? Did it give you a kick to steal him from Aniston, didn't that just make the sex so much spicier? But now settling down, I'd advise you against it but I know you'd only rebel (aside: she doesn't take advice well).

At least I'm pretty sure you two won't marry now. After all the non-married adoption process is a pretty complicated affair and why would you bother if you could just get hitched at George's lake como place? I can see why you wouldn't want to marry you two don't exactly have the best track record.

Listen Angie if you want to talk it through and have a rethink I'm here for you.

Oh and Angie if you speak to your dad (however unlikely that is) will you tell him that I think dating Diana Ross is an even better career move than starring in Anaconda.

Conversation in a drag bar

I imagine when Tori Spelling went to her local drag hangout, The Black Garter, the conversation went a little like this:

Miss Take: Oooo girlfriend you are workin' those shorts girl mmm hmmm and who is your surgeon I am lovin' those BJ lips.

Lady Marmalade: Oh no biatch you did not wear your city shorts when I told you I was wearin' mine. I expressly told you girl don't you go stealin' my thang.

Tori Spelling: Mister sister you are soo far behind the times, don't you know the latest way to convince everyone you are a living breathing too wong foo thankyou for everything Julie Newmar WOMAN is a fake pregnancy!

Miss Take: Oh no you didn't.

Tori Spelling: Haven't you ho's been reading the junkie? Just look what it's doing for Katie Holmes career.

Madonna makes birds bleed

"I was mad for shooting a couple of years ago," Maddy told Tatler magazine "I loved my bespoke outfits and everything. It was so much fun. That all changed when a bird dropped in front of me that I'd shot. It wasn't dead. It got up, and it was really suffering. Blood was gushing out of its mouth, and it was struggling . . . I haven't shot since . . . I realized I had a kind of bloodlust, and was manically shooting things and trying to kill as many birds as possible."

Hey shooting things makes them bleed and kills them! No shit!

Hot or Not?

Do you like me wander around your local town debating the various merits and de-merits of the general populous in the attractiveness stakes? Do you often want to strike some hussy in a short dress and warn her that she is not rockin' that lycra number? Do you really want to order that hairy arsed builder to put his shirt back on. Well now you kind of can. www.hotornot.com allows you to rate your fellow human beings in terms of their attractiveness. Do it for the rest of humanity.

While you're at it click on the hot or not link to the right and rate the junkie. Only if you think we're a 10 of course.

Mary-Kate Olsen is said to be donating some of her clothes to an Aids charity, so if your 5 year olds wants some bag lady clothes or you know any naked hobbits/rhesus monkeys you know where to go to sort them out for some new duds.

Robbie Williams is a sucker

Now may be in America 'sucker' is a totally hard, hip hop, gangsta, kind of insult but in the UK it's considered a pretty crap way to strike the fear of god into someone. Which is why I was concerned that 'fitty' may have harmed his image by branding Karaoke Bob a sucker. It's all a bit Mr T.

Apparently the feud arose from a night they spent together at the Ritz Carlton Berlin (ok not together but this is a pretty thin story). Fitty was distressed when he drove up to the hotel to the sounds of fans chanting 'Robbie, Robbie', later on that evening Robbie complained to reception that Fitty was keeping him awake, details of how he was causing the said insomnia have not been released at this time.

In retaliation Fitty, giving an interview to the UK's Glamour magazine, said that he thought the feud may have arisen because he refused to meet Robbie.

I pity the fool who messes with Fitty.

The Pete Doherty Guide to pulling a beautiful woman

1. Join underground Indie Brit band. Preferably with a niche underground fan base and haunting existentialist outlook.

2. Try heroin... Like it.

3. Select target woman. Woman should be incredibly successful, beautiful in a none conventional edgy kind of way and have a massive secret coke habit.

4. Begin to date woman and convince her that you are a true 21st century poet. This can easily be achieved by writing a song about her.

5. Get mate to take photos and video of her indulging in said massive secret coke habit and leak to popular press.

6. Whilst she undergoes rehab at posh Arizona clinic, run around with other women and basically give the impression that should she get back together with you upon her release social services should really be removing her child.

7. Try rehab yourself...Don't like it. Release yourself after a few days and then shortly afterwards and get caught in a car full of drugs. By the police.

8. Make a couple of public statement about beautiful woman who won' talk to you. First say you are amazed she has gotten herself clean in rehab as her hitherto massive secret coke habit was truly epic. Then when this didn't work try saying you will give prison (sorry rehab) a go again and that you and the beautiful woman are going to get back together.

If you choose your target carefully this course of action will definitely work. However, you must be aware that this will inevitably result in years of tumultuous marriage, affairs, children and ultimately suicide. If it's any consolation your music will be highly respected after your death and everyone will laud you for the 21st century poet you are and love the said beautiful woman for spotting it all along (the exception to the rule being Courtney Love of course).

What a wonderful world

It gives me hope that in the midst of all the identikit perma tanned blonde idiotic celebrities, the seemingly most genuine wedding of the year (well Elton's hasn't happened yet) has occurred between Dita von Teese and Marilyn Manson. And guess what folks, not a human sacrifice in sight, just the much makeuped one and his frankly drop dead hot bride marrying in front of 60 friends. We love it.

Tie me up

Lots of blogs are slating Jessica Alba for this outfit but I must say I am loving it. I think Alba often dresses quite boringly but I think this combo is gorgeous. So sexy rock chick, which is a look the Junkie is rockin' at the moment. It's only a matter of time before she's dating Brandon Flowers the lead singer of the Killers. Man their babies would be cute.

Giant ties for all!

Let's reach out to each other people

Wanna talk to the Junkie? Think you've got a hot tip we should be blogging about? Seen a hot dress or pair of shoes which some Fugly star should be wearing and isn't? Get in touch at TheRetailJunkie@hotmail.co.uk.

Special request post

By special request by a Retail Junkie reader I post photos of Brit Brit, Federfug and child. Now I'm sorry the photo is soo small but it was difficult to get the right angle with my telephoto lens, then I had technical problems but if you look closely you can clearly see the baby. Now I know what you're thinking, the poor thing looks like a dog. Well I guess it just takes after it's father.

Maybe I'm just twisted

At the Junkie we are betting people and now Britney has chucked Cletus the slack jawed yokel Federfug out of her Malibu home I give them just over 5 months before they break it off.

So in honour of this we've created the countdown to single again Britney. I'm gonna get sued soon.

Jessica Knoxville?

I'm a little concerned that this blog is becoming the Jessica Simpson show but I'll press on anyway seeing as she is our biggest fan.

Now Jess you remember that advice I gave you, ditch man, ditch sunbeds, ditch plastic surgery? And then what did you do? You were photographed coming out of a restaurant in the US with gigantic fish lips weren't you, aha. Well I can't make the girl sort her shit out.

But maybe Jonny Knoxville can, apparently the Jackass star is comforting Jessica in her hour of need. The actor who became friends with Jessica on the set of The Dukes of Hazzard is said to be platonically comforting her. Hmm is that the same kind of platonic that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban who's parents have travelled from one continent to another continent to meet, may be engaged, may be getting married in January, may be having a baby, platonic?

Viva la Junkieism

The Retail Junkie is very excited, the nice people at Google have clearly realised that we are the Globe's foremost authority of Retail Junkieism and now we're their top pick when you google the retail junkie.

Maybe one day we'll be as famous as Paris Hilton's 'you know what'.

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to our favourite 24 year old, married, with child, popstar called Britney.

It's Mrs Britney Jean Spears!

Diaz to take holy orders

Now I used to like Cameron Diaz, she looked like the kind of girl you'd want to be friends with. Messing around making up drunken dance routines, cruising for hot men in bars, pillow fights in skimpy jammies (sorry just got a little sidetracked there).

Anyway the point is I went right off her when she claimed that all Brits were promiscuous wife swappers, it seems she only knows Jude Law and Kate Moss and you can't judge the rest of us by their standards.

And so instead of being my gal pal she hooked up with Julie Andrews whilst doing the voiceovers for Shrek 2 and now is tipped to reprise Andrews role as the novice nun turned nanny in a remake of The Sound of Music. It seems she's tried to get current squeeze Justin trousersnake parts in most of her current movies so I'm looking forward to him popping up as one of the von Trapp children.

More messed up than Britney's kid

In a shock announcement almost as surprising as the nearlyweds Nick and Jessica's separation, Michael Jackson's ex wife Debbie Roe has revealed that the singer's white skinned white haired son and daughter are not his biological children!

She claims the children were born as a result of sperm donor donations and began life in a test tube.

It's not been a good few weeks for the once black Jackson. Not only has the paternity of his white children been questioned but he is also facing a backlash over racists comments made about Jewish people and also Italians.

In addition it is said that he has smuggled massive quantities of prescription drugs to which he is said to be addicted Bahrain. A British weekly newspaper has also reported that during he raids of his neverland ranch preceding his child abuse rap, cocaine residue was found in his (Mickey Mouse?) underpants.