Off for Christmas

Well that's it for '05 Junkie's i'm off to get lashed on free booze paid for by satan's bog brush (a.k.a the boss). Hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

I'm back on the 3rd Jan and i'm only blogging if Britney serves the divorce papers on K-Fed!

See you in '06.

Vince Vaughan be afraid

Now I feel is the time for the Junkie to wade into the debate over Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I've bided my time and taken in all the information and now over 12 months on I feel ready to give them both a piece of my mind. (One of the pieces not nibbled by mice I hasten to add.)

Now at first my loyalties lay with Team Aniston, after all she was the injured party, and Brad Pitt had the audacity to say in public that he always considered marriage to be a not forever kind of thing.

Then she burnt her wedding dress, whilst drunk, and danced around the burning pyre that was her marriage to the worlds most fancied man.

Then she said this,

"I hope to be on the road to having a family in the next year. I've said this before and I desperately don't want to repeat myself, but I just like being in a partnership."

As I read this the music from psycho which Janet Leigh died to, which I assume Vaughan is familiar, with filtered through my thoughts. This statement makes Aniston sound like one of those chicks who forget to take the contraceptive pill or forget that they heated a sewing needle and discreetly pierced each of the 48 condoms in the bedside drawer. Creepy.

The dress we were all dying to see

Thankyou soo much to top site the Superficial for this photo. I know it's probably fake but quite frankly who cares. I am loving the idea of that leathery strip of beef jerky Donatella Versace zipping the fabulous Elton John into his enormous bespoke Versace gown.

I love Elton and I don't have a bad word to say about him and if he wants to dance around on his wedding day wearing a dress that Mariah Carey woudl have selected then that's ok with the Junkie. Donatella though, well she's got a face like a bucket of smashed crabs and that's the nicest thing I can think of to say about her.

Britney gets her priorities right

Brit brit is apparently suing American mag US weekly for $20 million in damages after they scurrilously published rumours (would you believe such a thing) about the existence of a Britney/K-fed sex tape which apparently had her lawyers in stitches.

It's nice to know that Britney cares that the gossip community all think she actually has sex with that hairball but not that we think he a) needs a wash b) cannot rap for toffee (and she knows it) and c) cynically married her for her money.

Bradvestite

Well I knew Jolie likes girls but this is ridiculous.

Breaking News

Sienna Miller, the Junkie's guest pubic hair public health announcer has shocked the literary world today by announcing that she has penned two lines of verse to read to lover Jude Law on Christmas, the one year anniversary of their engagement, which will melt even the most hardened womanisers heart. It goes as follows:

"We've had our ups and downs this year. But I'm so alone when you're not near.
You make me frown and make me smile. But I won't be down when we walk up the aisle."

Look out Shakespeare.

In other Sienna revelations she has admitted that she's always had a deep love of meaningful poetry and often quotes classic verse with friends.

"It sounds so pretentious but it's one of my favourite things.
I've got this group of friends who are quite bohemian and we get drunk, get the books out and read."

Pretentious? No. I've had many a night like that they often begin, "there was a young girl from Nantucket"

Scariest photograph EVER!

Oh my god.

Why is Mickey Mouse hiding in her hair?

Why is that little bloke, mini me, from Austin Powers and his twin hiding in her dress?

Why has someone attached grappling hooks fixed to wires onto her face and is now standing right behind her out of sight pulling on them really really hard?

Alicia Silverstone, Brittany needs you again and this time forget all that, be yourself, you're beautiful inside crap. Help her look pretty and for the love of god save her face before it rips in two down the middle and scoots off round the back of her head.

Edit: Oh and also I hear she needs a new agent so if anyone is interested in attempting to ressurect her career? I hear there's some chap out there called Lazarus who might just be able to do the trick.

"Give me the full Brazilian"

Sienna demostrates why we should all keep up to date with our bikini waxes.

"It's a fair cop guv"

Well wouldn't you know it. In a serious case of life imitating the art of Pete Doherty only two days after exiting rehab the Retail Junkie was cruelly arrested and held in custody for a long weekend on suspicion of possession of illegal narcotics. It turns out all I was carrying was smarties and tic tacs but would the police believe me? Well obviously no.

Anyway the point is i've been away for a while but I haven't deserted by devoted Junkies. I probably won't be posting much before next year now but stay tuned for fresh goss in the new year.

Merry Gin Soaked Christmas and a very Drunken New Year!

So I said "if you're gonna do it do it right do it with me!"

I love it when people make wild overblown completely unsubstantiated claims about people who are now dead and are completely unable to defend themselves against said claims. George Michael has announced to the world that Princess Diana totally had the hots for him and couldn't wait to get him into bed. He wasn't all that keen on her, her not having a willy and all, and basically avoided her. The implication being that this clearly led to her spiralling despair and eventual death.

On that note Marlon Brando came on to me once. I told him to get lost, live on an island and get incredibly fat...the rest folks is history.

Conversation in a drag bar - Part 2

Amanda Playwith: You know that rule that girls shouldn't wear full on eyeshadow AND full on lipstick if they wanna avoid lookin' like whores.

Iona Sextoy: Mmmm Hmmm.

AP: Just explain to me again why it isn't a good look to look like a hooker?

IS: Honey child it is my goal in life to look as available as possible to anyone or anything, now move over girl I think I just spotted a Greek shipping heir.

Calling Robbie Williams

According to FemaleFirst.co.uk Robbie Williams is blaming his failure as a womaniser on the fact that he has lots of cash. I can see where he's coming from. I mean it's not as though ugly, possibly homosexual, oldish, rich men have ever been able to secure the affections of young, nubile, super hot nymphs in holy and happy matrimony before.

So in the name of all that is good in this world I would personally like to offer my assistance to Mr Williams and selflessly offer to take his millions. I know what you're thinking. Don't do it Junkie it'll ruin your life, how will you ever be happy. Well I know the risks but so a slightly mangled tattooed bloke from Stoke can achieve true romantic happiness.... I'll do it. Robbie give me a call.

Rehab Junkie

Phew, sorry I've been away for a while but rehab was calling and I haven't seen all my bestest friends in the "clinic" for months and boy was I "exhausted". While I was there I bumped into Irish bad boy Colin Farrell, also "exhausted". Don't let the photo fool you those aren't aren't artfully arranged pieces of tough guy jewellery on his wrists he's actually strapped to the chair.

Anyway he leaked to the junkie that the reason he was in rehab was because filming the big screen version of Miami Vice was getting all too much for the poor little leprechaun. So he decided to smoke a little exhaustion, snort a little exhaustion, use a little unidentified exhaustion and then get rushed to hospital following an exhaustion overdose. Just another occupational hazard for those hardworking actors, like getting herpes from Paris Hilton.

It's all over

Aahh how sad the family portrait we'll never see again. The stick thing and DJ AM are no more. I am actually quite surprised. I mean she got together with him when he was chunkie and now he's emaciated too they're over? What the hell? I believed in you guys and you're letting me down! I watched you surprise her on the simple life! How could you do this to me! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE!

You're once twice....threeeeee times a lady and I looooeeeoooove yoou I looooeeeovvveee yoouu.

Phew I think I need a little lie down.

Tragedy strikes!

It is my sad duty to inform the world that Mariah Carey has been involved in a tragic accident while reaching for a pie which had been strategically placed beneath a precariously balanced samurai blade. The accident has left her with both arms amputated below the elbow' leaving her completely incapacitated. It also appears that whilst the samurai blade was slicing and dicing her arms an enormous bowl of decorative ugly sticks, also precariously balanced, fell and pumelled Carey around the face leaving her with a puffy, eyes like pee holes in the snow, appearance.

We at the Junkie would like to wish Mariah a speedy recovery and are just glad that her publicist is on hand to feed her the liquid lard so essential to her diet. Our hearts are with you Moo Moo.

In da Bungalow

Sienna Miller has obviously been listening to Mischa Barton's publicist (see Thursday November 10th post) and is getting it on with Leonardo DiCaprio for the sake of her career.

At least that's what onlookers at Bungalow 8 (super hot NYC club) have reported. Of course they were only seen flirting but we know what's going on. A little bumping uglies to wind up the Judester aye Miller you dirty little monkey.

Robbie Williams not gay

Okay okay Bob I'll stop referring to you as that Turd burglar that used to be in Take That.

What's so bad about being gay anyway? You wouldn't have to feel up that munter anymore who has clearly never been introduced to a little thing called a hairbrush. There must be wild stoats living in there. Brush it Hunter.

Not as dumb as she looks

I smell something fishy about this whole marriage breakup stuff (and it's not Federline) it's all a little too public. The unceremonious ferrari return, the chasing to Vegas, the partying with Spears brother and then all the missed public engagements including the Billboard's.

I think this is all working out according to little Britney's plan. Have a year off, get married again, have a baby, get fat, chuck out your skanky husband, keep your cute baby coz you know he doesn't want them having left 2 behind already.

All whilst keepin her name, image and every movement the hottest pap ticket in town...... Smart girl.

Angie baby

Oh Angie what have you done? This whole Brad adopting your cute kids thing. Honey you are too hot for him. He's too obvious. Is it because he was married? Did it give you a kick to steal him from Aniston, didn't that just make the sex so much spicier? But now settling down, I'd advise you against it but I know you'd only rebel (aside: she doesn't take advice well).

At least I'm pretty sure you two won't marry now. After all the non-married adoption process is a pretty complicated affair and why would you bother if you could just get hitched at George's lake como place? I can see why you wouldn't want to marry you two don't exactly have the best track record.

Listen Angie if you want to talk it through and have a rethink I'm here for you.

Oh and Angie if you speak to your dad (however unlikely that is) will you tell him that I think dating Diana Ross is an even better career move than starring in Anaconda.

Conversation in a drag bar

I imagine when Tori Spelling went to her local drag hangout, The Black Garter, the conversation went a little like this:

Miss Take: Oooo girlfriend you are workin' those shorts girl mmm hmmm and who is your surgeon I am lovin' those BJ lips.

Lady Marmalade: Oh no biatch you did not wear your city shorts when I told you I was wearin' mine. I expressly told you girl don't you go stealin' my thang.

Tori Spelling: Mister sister you are soo far behind the times, don't you know the latest way to convince everyone you are a living breathing too wong foo thankyou for everything Julie Newmar WOMAN is a fake pregnancy!

Miss Take: Oh no you didn't.

Tori Spelling: Haven't you ho's been reading the junkie? Just look what it's doing for Katie Holmes career.

Madonna makes birds bleed

"I was mad for shooting a couple of years ago," Maddy told Tatler magazine "I loved my bespoke outfits and everything. It was so much fun. That all changed when a bird dropped in front of me that I'd shot. It wasn't dead. It got up, and it was really suffering. Blood was gushing out of its mouth, and it was struggling . . . I haven't shot since . . . I realized I had a kind of bloodlust, and was manically shooting things and trying to kill as many birds as possible."

Hey shooting things makes them bleed and kills them! No shit!

Hot or Not?

Do you like me wander around your local town debating the various merits and de-merits of the general populous in the attractiveness stakes? Do you often want to strike some hussy in a short dress and warn her that she is not rockin' that lycra number? Do you really want to order that hairy arsed builder to put his shirt back on. Well now you kind of can. www.hotornot.com allows you to rate your fellow human beings in terms of their attractiveness. Do it for the rest of humanity.

While you're at it click on the hot or not link to the right and rate the junkie. Only if you think we're a 10 of course.

Mary-Kate Olsen is said to be donating some of her clothes to an Aids charity, so if your 5 year olds wants some bag lady clothes or you know any naked hobbits/rhesus monkeys you know where to go to sort them out for some new duds.

Robbie Williams is a sucker

Now may be in America 'sucker' is a totally hard, hip hop, gangsta, kind of insult but in the UK it's considered a pretty crap way to strike the fear of god into someone. Which is why I was concerned that 'fitty' may have harmed his image by branding Karaoke Bob a sucker. It's all a bit Mr T.

Apparently the feud arose from a night they spent together at the Ritz Carlton Berlin (ok not together but this is a pretty thin story). Fitty was distressed when he drove up to the hotel to the sounds of fans chanting 'Robbie, Robbie', later on that evening Robbie complained to reception that Fitty was keeping him awake, details of how he was causing the said insomnia have not been released at this time.

In retaliation Fitty, giving an interview to the UK's Glamour magazine, said that he thought the feud may have arisen because he refused to meet Robbie.

I pity the fool who messes with Fitty.

The Pete Doherty Guide to pulling a beautiful woman

1. Join underground Indie Brit band. Preferably with a niche underground fan base and haunting existentialist outlook.

2. Try heroin... Like it.

3. Select target woman. Woman should be incredibly successful, beautiful in a none conventional edgy kind of way and have a massive secret coke habit.

4. Begin to date woman and convince her that you are a true 21st century poet. This can easily be achieved by writing a song about her.

5. Get mate to take photos and video of her indulging in said massive secret coke habit and leak to popular press.

6. Whilst she undergoes rehab at posh Arizona clinic, run around with other women and basically give the impression that should she get back together with you upon her release social services should really be removing her child.

7. Try rehab yourself...Don't like it. Release yourself after a few days and then shortly afterwards and get caught in a car full of drugs. By the police.

8. Make a couple of public statement about beautiful woman who won' talk to you. First say you are amazed she has gotten herself clean in rehab as her hitherto massive secret coke habit was truly epic. Then when this didn't work try saying you will give prison (sorry rehab) a go again and that you and the beautiful woman are going to get back together.

If you choose your target carefully this course of action will definitely work. However, you must be aware that this will inevitably result in years of tumultuous marriage, affairs, children and ultimately suicide. If it's any consolation your music will be highly respected after your death and everyone will laud you for the 21st century poet you are and love the said beautiful woman for spotting it all along (the exception to the rule being Courtney Love of course).

What a wonderful world

It gives me hope that in the midst of all the identikit perma tanned blonde idiotic celebrities, the seemingly most genuine wedding of the year (well Elton's hasn't happened yet) has occurred between Dita von Teese and Marilyn Manson. And guess what folks, not a human sacrifice in sight, just the much makeuped one and his frankly drop dead hot bride marrying in front of 60 friends. We love it.

Tie me up

Lots of blogs are slating Jessica Alba for this outfit but I must say I am loving it. I think Alba often dresses quite boringly but I think this combo is gorgeous. So sexy rock chick, which is a look the Junkie is rockin' at the moment. It's only a matter of time before she's dating Brandon Flowers the lead singer of the Killers. Man their babies would be cute.

Giant ties for all!

Let's reach out to each other people

Wanna talk to the Junkie? Think you've got a hot tip we should be blogging about? Seen a hot dress or pair of shoes which some Fugly star should be wearing and isn't? Get in touch at TheRetailJunkie@hotmail.co.uk.

Special request post

By special request by a Retail Junkie reader I post photos of Brit Brit, Federfug and child. Now I'm sorry the photo is soo small but it was difficult to get the right angle with my telephoto lens, then I had technical problems but if you look closely you can clearly see the baby. Now I know what you're thinking, the poor thing looks like a dog. Well I guess it just takes after it's father.

Maybe I'm just twisted

At the Junkie we are betting people and now Britney has chucked Cletus the slack jawed yokel Federfug out of her Malibu home I give them just over 5 months before they break it off.

So in honour of this we've created the countdown to single again Britney. I'm gonna get sued soon.

Jessica Knoxville?

I'm a little concerned that this blog is becoming the Jessica Simpson show but I'll press on anyway seeing as she is our biggest fan.

Now Jess you remember that advice I gave you, ditch man, ditch sunbeds, ditch plastic surgery? And then what did you do? You were photographed coming out of a restaurant in the US with gigantic fish lips weren't you, aha. Well I can't make the girl sort her shit out.

But maybe Jonny Knoxville can, apparently the Jackass star is comforting Jessica in her hour of need. The actor who became friends with Jessica on the set of The Dukes of Hazzard is said to be platonically comforting her. Hmm is that the same kind of platonic that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban who's parents have travelled from one continent to another continent to meet, may be engaged, may be getting married in January, may be having a baby, platonic?

Viva la Junkieism

The Retail Junkie is very excited, the nice people at Google have clearly realised that we are the Globe's foremost authority of Retail Junkieism and now we're their top pick when you google the retail junkie.

Maybe one day we'll be as famous as Paris Hilton's 'you know what'.

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to our favourite 24 year old, married, with child, popstar called Britney.

It's Mrs Britney Jean Spears!

Diaz to take holy orders

Now I used to like Cameron Diaz, she looked like the kind of girl you'd want to be friends with. Messing around making up drunken dance routines, cruising for hot men in bars, pillow fights in skimpy jammies (sorry just got a little sidetracked there).

Anyway the point is I went right off her when she claimed that all Brits were promiscuous wife swappers, it seems she only knows Jude Law and Kate Moss and you can't judge the rest of us by their standards.

And so instead of being my gal pal she hooked up with Julie Andrews whilst doing the voiceovers for Shrek 2 and now is tipped to reprise Andrews role as the novice nun turned nanny in a remake of The Sound of Music. It seems she's tried to get current squeeze Justin trousersnake parts in most of her current movies so I'm looking forward to him popping up as one of the von Trapp children.

More messed up than Britney's kid

In a shock announcement almost as surprising as the nearlyweds Nick and Jessica's separation, Michael Jackson's ex wife Debbie Roe has revealed that the singer's white skinned white haired son and daughter are not his biological children!

She claims the children were born as a result of sperm donor donations and began life in a test tube.

It's not been a good few weeks for the once black Jackson. Not only has the paternity of his white children been questioned but he is also facing a backlash over racists comments made about Jewish people and also Italians.

In addition it is said that he has smuggled massive quantities of prescription drugs to which he is said to be addicted Bahrain. A British weekly newspaper has also reported that during he raids of his neverland ranch preceding his child abuse rap, cocaine residue was found in his (Mickey Mouse?) underpants.

Sienna Attack!

What? All I said was I think my grandma has that kaftan.

Holy Moly

Now that Michael Jackson has quit the US for Bahrain it's clear that someone needs to fill the weirdo void left in America's heart. At the front of the queue is the typically understated Mrs Britney Kfed-Spears. Sources say she's splashed out on lavish decorations and furnishings to transform her son Sean's bedroom into the traditional nativity scene.

Spears, once famously a virgin and now famously not, wants her son to experience a truly magical first Christmas. You know the way your mother used to do by giving you a god complex complete with waxwork lowing cattle and multicultural we three kings.

Playing dress up

Ever wished you could re-dress those celebrity outfit mistakes? Now you can! I could happily spend hours dressing and redressing the likes of Britney et al at www.paperdollheaven.com. Hooray dress up for big girls (or boys)!

A girl called Maria

Now I'm all for changing your surname after marriage, after all before my nuptials I was formally known as the Retail McCluskey-Magoo-Nhasapeematpetalon so it was a relief really to change to Junkie. However, I really think X-Tina is taking this too far by announcing that following her marriage to Jordan Bratman she will henceforth be known as Maria Bratman.

Don't worry she'll still be professionally known as the perpetual sartorial disaster Christina Aguilera.

In other Aggie marriage news, Britney Spears has presented the couple with a self help book on how to have a successful marriage. Apparently the key is to marry someone who just wants your money, never washes/works and can provide you with a kid which will still be there long after he's run off with Lindsey Lohan (read: anyone else with some cash and no stretch marks).

Our favorite slutty party girl

Wild child 30 year old Tara Reid, who as you can see takes a very proactive stance on the issue of the invasion of celebrities privacy, has secretly embarked on a very private liaison with a young man. So desperate to keep her name out of the press Miss Reid is now said, by only the most insider sources (sooo private is this relationship), to be dating Paris Latsis (aka boy Paris, Parasite's ex boyfriend) .

You can see why someone who respects their privacy like Tara would date such a low key chap, no gossip column (except the junkie) is interested in what will inevitably turn into the centuries greatest meeting of loins (did I say that? I meant minds, minds).

Is anyone else as disappointed as me that Russell Crowe is now a bloated, violent phone throwing, married, weirdo and no longer husband to a murdered wife, father to a murdered son and he will have his vengeance (ok I know that gladiator wasn't real).

Well apparently half of Australia agrees with me, at a recent star studded event which the hairy faced one was hosting he decided to make continuous gags all night about his recent phone related criminal conviction. This resulted in a steady stream of viewers switching off leaving about 15000 viewers.

For those of you not in the know Crowe was recently convicted for bludgeoning a hotel employee with the hotel phone after finding that it didn't work, for which he was sentenced to a piffling fine which really hurt him in his bulging Hollywood wallet. He helpfully clarified that "traveling businessmen get touchy or testy with hotel staff in every major city all around the world" Well that's ok then, bludgeon away.

Choo for you?

If you have a sugar daddy and I imagine most of my readers do, you're all fabulous right? I'd be asking him for these lovelies this Christmas. I know I've already asked Santa for some gold shoes but is one pair really enough, I'm a junkie for crying out loud. Besides I loved how Net-A-Porter have described these babies as day heels, so tea and cakes at the Ritz.

Celebrity Wife swap

No no the title doesn't refer to what Jude Law and his Primrose Hill friends get up to on a Saturday night (although it probably does) but the Simple life's new incarnation.

Parasite Hilton and Nicole 'Boney' Richie have sold their show to American TV network E!. The premise this time is that the girls step in for a regular wife and perform all her wifely duties (no problems there Paris). The girls swap over and at the end the lucky husband gets to tell the world which Hollywood superbrat cut the matrimonial mustard.

Sounds good, maybe they can do it in the UK, they could step in for Debbie McGee and let the quite frankly bonkers Paul Daniels cut them in half, in increasingly embarrassingly attended magic shows, Brilliant. (Sorry to any US readers who have no idea who McGee and Daniels are, I couldn't even begin to explain.)

What's your fashion style?

Try this link for a quick insight into your sartorial personality

Your Fashion Style is Girly

You dress to look beautiful and show off what you've gotDresses, skirts, heels... whatever it takes to turn headsYou love feeling like a girl in any settingEven your workout clothes are cute and feminine!

What's" Your Fashion Style?

I wouldn't have placed myself as girlie but whaddya know?

Edit: Just read this post again, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Workout, you kill me ha ha.

Rumour has it

The latest Hollywood rumour mill gossip about Alien loving prego Katie Holmes is that she's pregnant with a boy child(thing) . Sources say she's been spotted out buying blue baby clothes and that her and Scientom favour the name William Oscar. Shame I was hoping it would be Quark or something.

Cruise recently revealed that he and Katie had no plans to actually marry until after the child(thing) is born, which Katie's fiercely Catholic dad is sure to be thrilled about. He also tipped off an American interviewer that he was keen to keep an eye on his growing alien fetus (ok he never said that verbatim) via the purchase of an ultrasound machine which he intended to donate to a local hospital following the birth. All together now, aaahhh!

This month I is mostly wearin' - Pearls

Here at the Retail Junkie we value style over fashion every time and so we introduce our new feature, This month I is mostly wearin'.

Decembers selection is pearls, white ones, black ones, grey ones, short or long they are always a winner. Audrey knew it , Jackie Kennedy knew it and the Queen (I don't mean Elton) always teams a classic string with her twinset (you could do worse for a style role model!)

Wear them this month with party dresses and look glam or wear them with a simple victoriana style blouse and look sexy secretary smart. They do happen to be in fashion this month and are in perfect keeping with the seaons new ladylike style but do yourself a favour and buy whatever you can get your grubby mitts on real or fake and I guarantee you'll still be wearing them this time next year. A timeless classic.

Baby boy for Penny and Rod

Penny Lancaster gave birth to a lovely baby boy in a London hospital in the early hours of Sunday morning. Around about the same time that Rod's daugher Skanky was breaking it off with her third fiance this year. I bet she's the family member who always gets drunk at Christmas and ruins it for everyone, with her hair.

Courtney Cox(ix) on the beach

She makes me feel hungry in this pic (not like I want to eat her!)

Love for sale - 88 million dollars

Is it just me who thinks Anna Nicole Smith deserves the 88 million dollar settlement of her deceased hubby? It seems clear to me that when a young big breasted blonde glamour model marries a 195 year old man that she is entitled to his entire estate. He probably went out with a smile on his face, she's doing a public service!

Sir Cliff

I have no gossip about Cliff I just felt like posting a nice big photo of him for your viewing pleasure.

Then I noticed his stripey jacket, stripey shirt combo. I bet he could pull off the the spirit of the wolf. (See earlier post)

Paris Hilton Monkey Luv

I imagine this is what spoilt heiress and gossip fodder Paris Hilton looked like when the authorities came to take away her newest pet Baby luv.

Baby luv is a kinkajou (spelling may not be accurate) which is pretty much a fancy monkey for those of us who don't care and also an illegal immigrant in Hilton's native LA. She picked him up in Las Vegas but sadly he'll have to be returned as the authorities put their foot down (I bet Daddy never did).

This is a real shame for the rest of the world as last week the monkey went mad in a lingerie shop scratching at Hilton's face. (Maybe the monkey is MaryKate Olsen, Paris's boyfriend's ex, in disguise?)

Jess is a junkie - a Retail Junkie

I swear Jessica Simpson is reading the Retail Junkie. Did I just tell her to lay off the sunbeds or what? Okay Jess my next piece of crucial advice is brush your damn hair. How are you going to hook up with Jake Gyllenhaal et al with that Britneyesque mop ha ha?

Well if the acting career doesn't work out you can always turn to tree felling to pay for Gucci handbags.

Destiny's 'with' Child?

Is it just me or is Miss Knowles looking a little tummylicious in this photo? Jay Z you dirty old dog.

Competition Time!

The Prize? The Retail Junkie's eternal love devotion and respect.

The Challenge? To find an item of clothing more hilarious and hideous than this t-shirt, the spirit of the wolf!

A very good friend of mine tells me a colleague of hers has a particular fondness for a fleece coat with a fetching snow scene embroidered on the back. Now how useful is that? An illustration to help you better understand the appropriate place to wear a piece of clothing. Like a bikini with a beach on it or crotchless panties with a back alley picture. But seriously this is beside the point. I want links to sites with actual pictures of these horrific clothes. A description won't count because I know you readers you're all just twisted enough to make such an item up by yourself. Just like me.