Sienna Attack!

What? All I said was I think my grandma has that kaftan.

Holy Moly

Now that Michael Jackson has quit the US for Bahrain it's clear that someone needs to fill the weirdo void left in America's heart. At the front of the queue is the typically understated Mrs Britney Kfed-Spears. Sources say she's splashed out on lavish decorations and furnishings to transform her son Sean's bedroom into the traditional nativity scene.

Spears, once famously a virgin and now famously not, wants her son to experience a truly magical first Christmas. You know the way your mother used to do by giving you a god complex complete with waxwork lowing cattle and multicultural we three kings.

Playing dress up

Ever wished you could re-dress those celebrity outfit mistakes? Now you can! I could happily spend hours dressing and redressing the likes of Britney et al at www.paperdollheaven.com. Hooray dress up for big girls (or boys)!

A girl called Maria

Now I'm all for changing your surname after marriage, after all before my nuptials I was formally known as the Retail McCluskey-Magoo-Nhasapeematpetalon so it was a relief really to change to Junkie. However, I really think X-Tina is taking this too far by announcing that following her marriage to Jordan Bratman she will henceforth be known as Maria Bratman.

Don't worry she'll still be professionally known as the perpetual sartorial disaster Christina Aguilera.

In other Aggie marriage news, Britney Spears has presented the couple with a self help book on how to have a successful marriage. Apparently the key is to marry someone who just wants your money, never washes/works and can provide you with a kid which will still be there long after he's run off with Lindsey Lohan (read: anyone else with some cash and no stretch marks).

Our favorite slutty party girl

Wild child 30 year old Tara Reid, who as you can see takes a very proactive stance on the issue of the invasion of celebrities privacy, has secretly embarked on a very private liaison with a young man. So desperate to keep her name out of the press Miss Reid is now said, by only the most insider sources (sooo private is this relationship), to be dating Paris Latsis (aka boy Paris, Parasite's ex boyfriend) .

You can see why someone who respects their privacy like Tara would date such a low key chap, no gossip column (except the junkie) is interested in what will inevitably turn into the centuries greatest meeting of loins (did I say that? I meant minds, minds).

Is anyone else as disappointed as me that Russell Crowe is now a bloated, violent phone throwing, married, weirdo and no longer husband to a murdered wife, father to a murdered son and he will have his vengeance (ok I know that gladiator wasn't real).

Well apparently half of Australia agrees with me, at a recent star studded event which the hairy faced one was hosting he decided to make continuous gags all night about his recent phone related criminal conviction. This resulted in a steady stream of viewers switching off leaving about 15000 viewers.

For those of you not in the know Crowe was recently convicted for bludgeoning a hotel employee with the hotel phone after finding that it didn't work, for which he was sentenced to a piffling fine which really hurt him in his bulging Hollywood wallet. He helpfully clarified that "traveling businessmen get touchy or testy with hotel staff in every major city all around the world" Well that's ok then, bludgeon away.

Choo for you?

If you have a sugar daddy and I imagine most of my readers do, you're all fabulous right? I'd be asking him for these lovelies this Christmas. I know I've already asked Santa for some gold shoes but is one pair really enough, I'm a junkie for crying out loud. Besides I loved how Net-A-Porter have described these babies as day heels, so tea and cakes at the Ritz.

Celebrity Wife swap

No no the title doesn't refer to what Jude Law and his Primrose Hill friends get up to on a Saturday night (although it probably does) but the Simple life's new incarnation.

Parasite Hilton and Nicole 'Boney' Richie have sold their show to American TV network E!. The premise this time is that the girls step in for a regular wife and perform all her wifely duties (no problems there Paris). The girls swap over and at the end the lucky husband gets to tell the world which Hollywood superbrat cut the matrimonial mustard.

Sounds good, maybe they can do it in the UK, they could step in for Debbie McGee and let the quite frankly bonkers Paul Daniels cut them in half, in increasingly embarrassingly attended magic shows, Brilliant. (Sorry to any US readers who have no idea who McGee and Daniels are, I couldn't even begin to explain.)

What's your fashion style?

Try this link for a quick insight into your sartorial personality

Your Fashion Style is Girly

You dress to look beautiful and show off what you've gotDresses, skirts, heels... whatever it takes to turn headsYou love feeling like a girl in any settingEven your workout clothes are cute and feminine!

What's" Your Fashion Style?

I wouldn't have placed myself as girlie but whaddya know?

Edit: Just read this post again, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Workout, you kill me ha ha.

Rumour has it

The latest Hollywood rumour mill gossip about Alien loving prego Katie Holmes is that she's pregnant with a boy child(thing) . Sources say she's been spotted out buying blue baby clothes and that her and Scientom favour the name William Oscar. Shame I was hoping it would be Quark or something.

Cruise recently revealed that he and Katie had no plans to actually marry until after the child(thing) is born, which Katie's fiercely Catholic dad is sure to be thrilled about. He also tipped off an American interviewer that he was keen to keep an eye on his growing alien fetus (ok he never said that verbatim) via the purchase of an ultrasound machine which he intended to donate to a local hospital following the birth. All together now, aaahhh!

This month I is mostly wearin' - Pearls

Here at the Retail Junkie we value style over fashion every time and so we introduce our new feature, This month I is mostly wearin'.

Decembers selection is pearls, white ones, black ones, grey ones, short or long they are always a winner. Audrey knew it , Jackie Kennedy knew it and the Queen (I don't mean Elton) always teams a classic string with her twinset (you could do worse for a style role model!)

Wear them this month with party dresses and look glam or wear them with a simple victoriana style blouse and look sexy secretary smart. They do happen to be in fashion this month and are in perfect keeping with the seaons new ladylike style but do yourself a favour and buy whatever you can get your grubby mitts on real or fake and I guarantee you'll still be wearing them this time next year. A timeless classic.

Baby boy for Penny and Rod

Penny Lancaster gave birth to a lovely baby boy in a London hospital in the early hours of Sunday morning. Around about the same time that Rod's daugher Skanky was breaking it off with her third fiance this year. I bet she's the family member who always gets drunk at Christmas and ruins it for everyone, with her hair.

Courtney Cox(ix) on the beach

She makes me feel hungry in this pic (not like I want to eat her!)

Love for sale - 88 million dollars

Is it just me who thinks Anna Nicole Smith deserves the 88 million dollar settlement of her deceased hubby? It seems clear to me that when a young big breasted blonde glamour model marries a 195 year old man that she is entitled to his entire estate. He probably went out with a smile on his face, she's doing a public service!

Sir Cliff

I have no gossip about Cliff I just felt like posting a nice big photo of him for your viewing pleasure.

Then I noticed his stripey jacket, stripey shirt combo. I bet he could pull off the the spirit of the wolf. (See earlier post)

Paris Hilton Monkey Luv

I imagine this is what spoilt heiress and gossip fodder Paris Hilton looked like when the authorities came to take away her newest pet Baby luv.

Baby luv is a kinkajou (spelling may not be accurate) which is pretty much a fancy monkey for those of us who don't care and also an illegal immigrant in Hilton's native LA. She picked him up in Las Vegas but sadly he'll have to be returned as the authorities put their foot down (I bet Daddy never did).

This is a real shame for the rest of the world as last week the monkey went mad in a lingerie shop scratching at Hilton's face. (Maybe the monkey is MaryKate Olsen, Paris's boyfriend's ex, in disguise?)

Jess is a junkie - a Retail Junkie

I swear Jessica Simpson is reading the Retail Junkie. Did I just tell her to lay off the sunbeds or what? Okay Jess my next piece of crucial advice is brush your damn hair. How are you going to hook up with Jake Gyllenhaal et al with that Britneyesque mop ha ha?

Well if the acting career doesn't work out you can always turn to tree felling to pay for Gucci handbags.

Destiny's 'with' Child?

Is it just me or is Miss Knowles looking a little tummylicious in this photo? Jay Z you dirty old dog.

Competition Time!

The Prize? The Retail Junkie's eternal love devotion and respect.

The Challenge? To find an item of clothing more hilarious and hideous than this t-shirt, the spirit of the wolf!

A very good friend of mine tells me a colleague of hers has a particular fondness for a fleece coat with a fetching snow scene embroidered on the back. Now how useful is that? An illustration to help you better understand the appropriate place to wear a piece of clothing. Like a bikini with a beach on it or crotchless panties with a back alley picture. But seriously this is beside the point. I want links to sites with actual pictures of these horrific clothes. A description won't count because I know you readers you're all just twisted enough to make such an item up by yourself. Just like me.

By special request

The Retail Junkie loves some audience participation, so by special request we post about Kimberly Stewart (for our British readers, the daughter of wrinkly rocker Rod Stewart and formally known as Skanky McSkankerton, and the blonde on the right) and her deep and truly meaningful engagement to Laguna Beach "star" talon Torreiro (for our British readers, as far as I can work out Laguna beach is a kind of Real OC reality show).

Sad to say this Romeo and Juliet love match and heaven sent engagement (cough publicity stunt) is off a full two weeks after they announced the glorious event.

McSkankerton (cough Paris Hilton wannabee publicity whore) and talon have released the following joint statement:

"It was just too soon to enter into a lifelong commitment. It is better to have a brief engagement than a short marriage. The couple continue to spend their time together and are open to what the future may hold"

Too bad I'm sure she would have made a truly horrific bride.

Has the world gone mad?

Item One: Pretty 19 year old OC star Mischa Barton has got engaged to her quite frankly skanky 26 year old rocker boyfriend (See earlier post)?

Item Two: Take That (sans Robbie) are reforming to tour UK venues next year, for a staggering 15 million quid each!

Here comes the bride!

they have finally confirmed the date, hooray! Elton has confirmed in UK mag attitude that he and his long term partner David Furnish are to marry on the 21st December, the day it becomes legal in the UK for same sex couples to marry.

Sadly they have also confirmed that the big day is set to be a small private affair with only close friends and family. But we know that includes famous thigh flasher, Liz Hurley and the Brand Beckham family.

Ooo I can't wait for pictures of the dress!

Greatest celeb news ever! Part 2

The man, the legend that is Ricky 'shake you bon bon' Martin (pictured above 'in his nude') has confessed that he likes the old golden shower in the shower.

"I love giving the golden shower. I've done it before in the shower. It's like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different."

It's not clear if this revelation made to an American magazine is due to language difficulties but for Friday's sake I prefer to think not.

Awesome.

Greatest celeb news ever! Part 1

The one, the only David Hasselhoff is set to release a cover version of Madonna's 1986 classic La Isla Bonita.

I can't wait. The anticipation is killing me viva la Hoff!

Are you a Retail Junkie

So think you're a Retail Junkie? Well take our little test and see if you measure up. The original scientist who devised this test seemed to think shopaholism is a bad thing, but here at the Retail Junkie we like to provide a home for those who feel this little affliction should be celebrated!

1. You spend a lot of your time not only shopping, but thinking about shopping and engaging in shopping-type activities such as window-shopping or going through sales magazines.

2. You experience anything more than an hour a day of uncontrollable urges and thoughts about shopping.

3. You constantly experience a sense of pleasure or elation after a purchase.

4. You experience a high degree of guilt and remorse after the initial high has passed. The degree of interference and stress you experience is particularly important because it maintains the cycle.

5. You deal with the resulting feelings of guilt and remorse by taking things back to the place of purchase or by giving them away.

6. Your shopping interferes with your ability to work effectively and your ability to function in society.

7. You feel that things are out of your own personal control. Even if you recognise that you need to cut down on your spending and your credit card use, you may not be able to because of overriding urges.

8. A lot of the things you buy go unused. Quite often the pattern will be that a compulsive shopper buys not one pair of shoes, but the whole set because they can't decide which colour they like.

9. You constantly think about your next purchase, as well as worrying about lost buying opportunities.

If you said yes 1-3 times you need to try harder, 4-7 times is pretty impressive and 8-9 times you're probably me.

P.S Number 6 is my favourite, let me know how you rate!

Jude and Sienna

Ahh these two, the prettiest couple in celebville, so why is it always going so wrong for them? Their genes are soo right.

Well maybe it's because Jude has and possibly still is poking every A lister in Primrose Hill, including the help, or is it because Sienna also has issues keeping her underwear on when in the company of Jude's friend's and selected super spys?

I can't help feeling a little bit sorry that it isn't working out, I mean you wouldn't want to inflict either of them on anyone else. Maybe they deserve each other?

Happy Thanksgiving

Whilst I don't pretent to know what it all means or even if i've got the right date but Happy Thanksgiving to all our American friends fromthe Retail Junkie.

Our first little Retail Junkie advice survivor

And so Jessica Simpson on the advice of the retail junkie has split with hubbie Nick Lachey, the couple issued the following statement via Us magazine, Us.

"After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways. This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time."

Now you just need to leave off the sunbeds and peroxide for a while and everything will be ok.

The Retail Junkie predicts a meteroric Kidman-esque rise to the top for this young lady.

The Retail Junkie letter to Santa

Dear Father Christmas

This year the Retail Junkie has been a very good girl. She has set up a blog to share her views with what at the last count appeared to be 47 people, she managed to do this in office time in order to slightly screw her evil bosses and she only bitched about the most deserving celebrities and those who should know better.

Bearing all this in mind Santa the Retail Junkie would like to present her list and to make this especially easy she has included a visual aid.

I know that the bag probably costs approximately a thousand quid and that the shoes probably don't come in much under but as I've said, good girl, very grateful etc etc.

Looking forward to xmas day thanks a million.

The Retail Junkie
x

The great debate

So girls what's it to be? Winters here so the question on everyone's lips is boots? Are they in your jeans or over?

Is this a look for our equestrian friends (see slightly kinky photo) or is it the quickest way to looking like Kate Moss sans those pesky addictions?

Let the world know what you think, I'm personally still debating the issue.

This is for you Jessica

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Should you stumble across my blog while flicking through Blogger, which I suspect you won't, please please please take a good hard look at this picture of yourself, see that person with the horrified look on their face just over your left shoulder? That honey, is you from the future and she's looking at you that way because you are her ghost of Christmas past. It would seem that life gets tough for you from now on, the relentless hours in makeup to get that sweet orange glow, the exhausting weeks, months and finally years you will spend attempting to convince the world your sham marriage to that porn star loving dude is a true love match, just take a peek over your shoulder to see the toll they are going to take on you.

The message then? Get real Jessica, no more plastic surgery or fake marriages, stick to what you do best belting out hits(ish) and gyrating in a bikini, then hopefully we can avoid the whole Christmas eve look back at your life, realize it was all a sham and buy everyone a turkey malarky.

Don't say I didn't try to warn you....

Congratulations

Congrats to the lovely Kiera Knightly who just won Esquires magazines coveted Sexiest woman in the UK. I have just one problem with this award is she sexy, I mean she's beutiful and she's got that bony coathanger, clothes look great on me thing going on. Does that make a woman sexy? If I was a bloke I think I might worry I was going to cut myself on her.

Britney Spears buy a Bra!!

Britney, Britney, Britney we saw you buy thousands of dollars of Victoria's secret underwear last week. So where is it?

I know you just had a baby, but you have 650 servants....

Seriously those things need some support. Can I recomend some braffolding?

Hottest dress of 2005

If for some reason you live in a small town where no-one goes in topshop and everything but the crew neck tees goes mouldy in the stock room then you might just be lucky enough to snap up what is surely the dress of the season. I'm sorry I don't have a photo of it for you but the topshop website won't let me nick it to download. But it doesn't really matter beacuse they have all sold out.

This dress is an exact replica of the Roland Mouret galaxy dress that has been worn by everyone from Cameron Diaz to Victoria 'skeletor' Beckham. The dress comes in black satin, has cute cap sleeves and is cut in such a way that it will flatter everyone's figure.

If you can get your hands on it BUY THIS DRESS .

P.s. There are a number to be had on EBAY, work that PAYPAL ladies.

Coming soon - watch this space

Got a problem? Need a shoulder to cry on? We at the retail junkie feel your pain. And just so you know we mean it we are endeavoring to solve all your problems. Whilst this may be achieved by pictures of drunk celebrities or a little retail therapy we know there are lots of people just dying to get something off their chest. So this is your opportunity, coming soon to the retail junkie is our very own agony aunt, fresh out of advice university she's full of good ideas. So get in touch, leave a comment and she'll try to ease your woes. If you don't post a comment you'll never know if she could help!

Mischa Barton (star of the OC) has revealed that her publicist once tried to pimp her out to Leonardo DiCaprio (star of movies such as Titanic) to help raise her profile in tinseltown. He reportedly ordered "For the sake of your career, go and sleep with that man".

The real story here however is why she said no. Miissccha (the much consononted one) claims it was because he was OMG like, thirty or something, that would be so totally gross.

The moral of the story is......................................................................................

Mischa Barton - Leo DiCaprio =

Cisco Adler (her current significant other)

Teeny weeny skirts

Following on from our new special request posts I feel I need to say a little something about excessively short skirts. Last night in the pub there was a girl with the most ridiculously short dress on, now not to be bitchy (ha) she didn't have the best legs (it's always the way) and the skirt was sooo short that quite frankly I began to question whether the colour actually matched her vulva.

Now girls (you know who you are), I sat and watched one horrified bloke brush her off and listened to my two male companions discuss the skirts various de-merits. The honest truth is that men don't want to see your"see you next Tuesday" before you are safely ensconced back in their love palace. At that stage get it out, wave it around, whatever makes you happy. The moral of the story is and I feel like someone's grandma saying it, a little mystery goes along way.

City Shorts.

By special request I post about city shorts. This lovely young lady to our left is now a regular site in the choicest watering holes in my "fabulous undisclosed location" and I'm pretty much guessing this is a nationwide epidemic.

But what do we really think? Well my friends and I think they are about as appealing as an inappropriately physical hug from your sleazy boss. If you were in any doubt we hate them, and their winter incarnation with tights? We hate that even more. But there seem to be enough of you out there who do really like them, so justify yourselves girls let this be your forum. And by the way the short short versions... There really is no excuse.

Photo courtesy of ASOS, where you can get your very own pair of demented knee exposers.

The retail junkie's favourite new lush.

Tara Tara Reid, this girl is massive fodder for American gossip blogs, columns etc etc but in the UK we normally only get her cleaned up image. However on inspecting ( and I mean that in the most personal sense-check her now infamous nipple slip) her seamier side i'm getting to like the girl more and more. If you've seen any of her recent press you'll have seen her trawling the streets of hollywood clutching an excessively used suede prada lovely and a plastic bag full of tit tape and here's why...

"But you would think my boob had popped out and shot Gandhi!" "My hooters are under control. I'm taped up now, totally. I'm using double tape. Double double tape. My boobs are going nowhere again."

Now i'm not berating her for her fondness for one particular handbag either, don't get me wrong. If it came to it I think i'd have to forgo the newest buckled spangeled kid leather beauty for a few nights on the tiles. And I love to shop. Maybe me, Tara and Kirsten Dunst (see earlier post) should hook up and get laced..... Rehab anyone.

Legends in their own lunchtime

If you are at all interested in laughing your ass off at stupid celebs you have to have a look at www.gofugyourself.typepad.com this has got to be one of the funniest sites I've ever seen.

These sharp tongued bitches are awesome. After all who doesn't want to laugh at the sartorial errors of those infinitely richer than you who should be able to pay someone to know better.