The Retail Junkie

Mo Mariah fo yo money biatches

2006-02-01T13:56:00.000Z

I think Mariah's whole weight gain, increasingly smaller clothes look is all about providing her fans with some good ol'fashioned value for money. There's at least an inch of flesh here for every single person who bought the Emancipation of Mimi. More paunch for your pound if you will.

The Federfugs

2006-02-01T13:45:00.000Z

Phew sorry I've been away for a while, but every good Junkie knows it's a good time to score when Kate's in town (Strictly Giraffe Hair and vintage clothes of course).

Anyway without further ado I present the Federfugs. I love this picture, lil Kevvy all done up nice and looking like like Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear . And Brit Brit, aw sweety, so glad you could get time off from the all night diner to attend the local pig wrestling and hog tying championship awards. Just you watch that moonshine sweety, you know that's how you ended up with lil Cletus. Oh and if Kevvy wouldn't mind keeping his damn greasy hands off my bargain basement dress, I want it back clean. I have that annual 80's magicians assistant convention to go to Saturday and you know how tough it is to get cheese stains out of Polyester.

Mr January

2006-01-27T15:04:00.000Z

In recent weeks I have to confess I have become more and more attracted to Keifer Sutherland. As such, I would like to offer him the prestigious position of Mr Junkie January 2006. Not only does he possess a certain irresistible rugged charm but, like me, he obviously doesn't have that internal indicator which tells you when you've had one too many woo woo's.

Shortly before Christmas he was spotted destroying an enormous Christmas tree. But, his latest binge has surpassed even this. After sinking a few cheeky sodas he declared he couldn't pay, as his wallet had been stolen, and asked the bar to run a tab for him. He then proceeded to launch into a series of karate kicks in the middle of the floor. Concluding the evening with a plate of chicken wings, the bones of which he kindly left on the floor. That's my boy.

Spot the difference

2006-01-27T11:01:00.000Z

Clue: One of them is married to Will Smith.

Shock! Horror? Tara no longer a lush.

2006-01-26T16:45:00.000Z

What's this? Tara looking umm... not drunk. That's like the sun going round the moon, the snow coming down in June. Just when I thought her chance had passed...

Courtney Cute?

2006-01-26T16:40:00.000Z

Is there something wrong with my eyes? Is that Courtney Love? Looking cute?

Gettin' it on!

2006-01-26T11:42:00.000Z

Don’t you just hate it when your ex-husband hooks up with your new husbands ex and baby momma. It’s happened to me a few times before and let me tell you it sucks. It’s like a sex-circle and unless champagne, chocolate body paint and Jake Gyllenhall are involved that’s just wrong.

Someone get that millionaire a hairbrush!

2006-01-26T11:40:00.000Z

It’s even more of a bitch when they’re a better looking couple than you.

Pick a face any face.

2006-01-26T10:21:00.000Z

"What face shall I wear today for the Gaultier show? I could wear my 00's face, all taut, grown up glamour, worthy of writing children's books and iconic electropop. No, I think I need something more retro. Something which harks back to my golden age of (Gaultier) conical bras, fingerless gloves and neon tights. There it is my 80's face. All pseudo pre-Goth pale face, dark lips and high eyebrows. Perfect. Now if I can just find my Dutchess of York Sarah "Fergie" Ferguson's hair I'm good to go."

Just a wee rant

2006-01-25T10:15:00.000Z

Russell Crowe is pissed with the paps and has issued a warning to them, to stay away from his pregnant wife Danielle. Blaming them for the premature birth of their first son, Charlie.

"Nobody cares, particularly the photographers, nobody cares to focus on what that is. She was just walking down the street with her girlfriend and they rushed her - four of them all surrounded her. So she panicked and slipped and all this sort of stuff. If I'd been there that would have been a really serious situation. I tell you right now, they will be tarred and feathered if they hassle my pregnant wife again."

And by tarred an feathered you know he means beaten to death with a phone. But personally, I can't blame him. His poor pregnant wife shouldn't have to put up with that crap. As far as I'm aware she doesn't court the media and even if she did there's no excuse for a group of men chasing a pregnant woman down the street. Go chase Paris Hilton she loves it.

See, I do have a soul, normal bitchy service will resume in the next post.

Kate Moss to write tell all autobiography?

2006-01-24T14:12:00.000Z

Dear Kate,

No-one needs to know about the 17th June 2001. You're in enough trouble with the police already.

Love

The Retail Junkie xx

Yawn!

2006-01-24T14:06:00.000Z

Celebvilles most boring on-again off-again couple Sienna and Jude are reportedly off again gkoyt k,m3yt.li543t53ut'59p3' Oops! Sorry I must have fallen asleep during that last sentence and mashed my face onto the keyboard.

The Pitt touch

2006-01-24T13:02:00.000Z

I'm sorry to disappoint all the friends fans out there but the long awaited and much touted, yesterday, 4 episode reunion special aint gonna happen. This is clearly because there is one rule of success as far as movies and TV go. And that is, that to be successful you must either be having sex with Brad Pitt or never to have considered becoming biblical with him.

Such is the power of Pitt's potency that he can ruin a potential starlet after just a minor fling. Past loves include:

Juliette Lewis, Geena Davis, Jill Schoelen, Robin Givens, Jennifer Aniston and April Florio.

Do you remember Robin Givens or Jill Schoelen? Na I didn't think so. And the exception that proves the rule? Gwyneth Paltrow.

Kidman to wed

2006-01-23T15:13:00.000Z

It seems that everyone in Hollywood loves gay cowboys at the moment. In other news Nicole Kidman is set to marry Keith Urban in March. The pair reportedly became engaged at Christmas and are set to wed in Oz in March. Will Katie Holmes pillow baby be born by then? I hope not - in your face Cruise.

Hit me baby one more time

2006-01-23T12:16:00.000Z

Taken straight from the Holy Moly mailout:

On Brittany Murphy's last film she was renowned for behaving like a complete arse, never knowing her lines, always late etc.Her mum was with her on set at all times and one day, a runner went to collect Brittany from her trailer.She knocked on the door and was told to come in by Brittany's mother. The runner walked in to find Brittany in her underwear, bent over her mum's knee being spanked.The runner immediately backed away saying, "I'll come back later!" But Brittany's mum calmly replied, "No, it's OK. You should see this."

I have seen this and I think it should happen to Young Hollywood more often. Mama Junkie (obviously I have to pay to call her this) spanks me all the time (at 7:30 on Thursdays) and i'm a better (more sexually deviant) person for it.

Balls

2006-01-23T11:40:00.000Z

"So then Penelope said, 'this is the last time Matt, Salma never makes me put her balls in my mouth'"

Paris pees her pants

2006-01-19T14:46:00.000Z

People of the world I implore you to stand up for Harden Jamison, a Maui cab driver, who has been threatened by Paris Hilton's heavies after trying to expose to the world that her bladder control aint so hot.

Harden claims that drunken Paris took a leak in the back of his car after returning from a party with beau Starving Nachos. But after taking his story to the National Inquirer, Hilton employed, heavies got in his cab and thretadened him. Harden, obviously a hardened (sic) cab driver threw them out and called the police.

This claim will not just go away for the Hilton Ho as Harden has the towel he mopped up the pee with and has endeavoured to get Hilton back with her own DNA. Good show.

I guess she would.

2006-01-19T11:13:00.000Z

What happens next?

2006-01-19T11:06:00.000Z

The camera zoomes out just a lttle more and you can just about make out Britney in the distance sprinting across the links screaming, "Justin noooo wait, can't we just put Ben Affleck and Kevin Federline behind us and start again, Cameron never wears matching leather outfits with you, Justin noooooooo."

Would Cameron really hit Britney in the face with a golf club to keep her man?

Kate Moss loves the hot men

2006-01-19T10:48:00.000Z

Maybe she's just had so much solo sex with her beautiful self that she can only get it on with ugly dudes. I would have suggested that maybe she finds talent sexy. But Jack Osborne talented?

Joaquin Phoenix is, in case you hadn't noticed, Hot.

2006-01-19T10:33:00.000Z

I know Joaquin Phoenix is crazy, all hepped up on goofballs and thinks there are frogs on his head, but HOT DAMN! That's all I wanted to say about that.

Birds of a feather

2006-01-19T09:54:00.000Z

Scarlett Johansson is a 40-year old man's wet dream. Seriously, she'll let you grope her massive tits, and she works out by playing tennis to keep her body in tip top condition for molestation.

"Tennis is great. You don't even notice how much you run. You get a nice body, taut legs and great butt. I'll keep on playing if I find a good partner. But I want to win every time. I am very ambitious."

I want to hate her for fancying herself so much, but frankly, I also consider myself to have a great bod and hot butt and everyone agrees with me. So if Ska-Jo is anything like me, there are enough women baying for her, underpant elastic loosening, blood. So who am I to take down a fellow homewrecker? We ridiculously beautiful human beings have to stick together, As Angie once said to me.

Ouchie!

2006-01-18T16:28:00.000Z

Reese is bummed coz her vintage Chanel was done 3 years ago at the same party by Kirsten Dunst. Her publicist says? "The big thing is Reese won the Golden Globe"

Paris too slutty for Playboy

2006-01-18T15:17:00.000Z

When searching for a pic of Paris Hilton for this post I have to admit that I struggled to find one where she was wearing more clothes than this that I haven't already used. Which makes it all the more ironic that she's claiming that Hugh Hefner has been pursuing her for playboy but she keeps turning him down.

"They've asked me a million times," Hilton said. "Hef has been after me since I was 17, and I got offered a lot of money. But I'll never do it." Asked why she refused the Playboy offer, she replied: "Because I'm Paris Hilton."

You know what I'm hearing, "Because you've already seen the goods, when I get out of cars, on the red carpet, blowing my ex boyfriend".

That means Paris Hilton just accepted that the name Paris Hilton is synonymous with being a whore, and if that's alright by her, well it's alright with me.

Baby got no back

2006-01-18T14:10:00.000Z

Now you can call me fickle, and you bet your ass I am, but someone needs to do something about Nicole Richie. As much as I refer to Mariah Carey as a cow I only feel so venomous about her because she has someone else feed her for christs sake, it's not really about the junk in her trunk. But this horrible 7 year old boy chic is so much worse, I just don't want to see these pictures. Apparently DJ AM is coming to her rescue though. Nicole's ex has vowed to stage an intervention (not sure what this is but I'm hoping it's some kind of speed hotdog eating contest).

May I also humbly suggest you make her listen to a tape of 'Baby got back' over and over again in her sleep so that the subliminal message gets through.

Boobarella

2006-01-17T16:06:00.000Z

I'm sure this comparison has been made before and while it's too late to assist Pammie with a cautionary tale I implore all you pretty blonde girls out there. Giant inflated breasts and enormous blonde hair have been DONE. Jessica Simpson I'm looking at you. And to a lesser extent you Scarlett Johansson.

Celebrity Revolution Advice on Pregnancy Service

2006-01-17T15:11:00.000Z

Are you a pregnant celebrity? If so you'll know the toll those extra pounds take on your waistline and career. If you want to resume your size 0 figure post pregnancy, resurrect your celebrity status and keep your man (in spite of those clamoring harpies trying/ succeeding to steal him off you), you need Super-mother Posh Spice or C.R.A.P.S for short. She's faced all of these trials and tribulations and come out smiling (well she would smile if the botox didn't distort the gesture into a grimace) with her musical career intact and booming.

Angelina that means you.

Most thoughtless birthday present ever?

2006-01-17T12:10:00.000Z

The balance of power in the TomKat relationship has always been questionable, but Tom's gift to Katie on her 27th birthday is really quite disturbing.

Tom Cruise has given his pregnant fiancee Katie Holmes a unique 27th birthday present - a DVD compendium of every movie he has acted in. The War of the Worlds star, 43, decided there was no better gift for his wife-to-be than a full history of his long and fruitful career. A source tells British newspaper the Daily Express, "Each was inscribed with a special handwritten love message to the future mother of his child." - from Glitterati

See how lucky you are Katie, you are the mother of the first born child of the great Tom Cruise, all shall worship him and his rampant heterosexualism.

The Glitterati article also helpfully points out that Tom has movie sex with his ex-wife in three of these movies!

Katie Holmes not alone with alien baby?

2006-01-17T11:15:00.000Z

Now I know things are different in celeb land, that Hollywood types can pretty much simulate anything, new worlds, new breasts, dignity, love, but the gestation period of the adult female human? That takes the biscuit. In about two weeks Angelina seems to have created a fully grown brand new child inside herself. I don't know about you but this is giving me scary flashbacks of the movie Species, where the Black widow type Alien woman goes around killing men until she finds one with the strength to impregnate her and then she kills him too. If you don't believe me, have you seen Billy-Bob recently? Be afraid Brad.

p.s. don't you think in this pic she has a cone head?

Stranger than fiction

2006-01-17T10:47:00.000Z

So, sorry about the lack of new posts yesterday but it was my birthday. Kate and I (who if you haven't sent her a card, shares the same birthday as me) hit the town, we went to a few clubs and she offered me some Cola in the toilets. But, after a quick emotional mobile phone consultation with my physician Dr Pseudonym, I stayed true to the Promises seven step programme and just said no.

Things got nasty for a few moments but just to appease Kate I scratched 'Lost in Translation was so disappointing' on the bathroom wall. We went on to a few more clubs, we lap danced - you know the score, before ending the evening in Kate's hot tub sending text messages to Pete Doherty from my phone (he doesn't have the number) like 'Kate says she was thinking of Johnny Depp's hot ass when she was having tantric sex with you'.

It was fun, but obviously I was in no fit state to write yesterday. I got the scoop on Lohan though, apparently she's actually addicted to giraffe hair, which is ground down and inserted into her asthma inhaler for easy and discreet inhalation. And that giraffe hair can cause dramatic weight loss, change your hair colour and in some circumstances, can even make you pregnant.

The downside to marrying your crack dealer

2006-01-17T10:36:00.000Z

Did Kevin Federslime cheat on, the Junkie's favourite slovenly Babymomma, Britney with porn star Kendra Jade (pictured)? Reports suggest that they got hot and heavy in Vegas in December, when Britney chucked him out of their Malibu home. Kendra's most famous celebrity screw to date is with the legendary Jerry Springer. Now if my sex maths is correct (and I am a master sexmatician) that means that if Britney is still doing it with Kev, she's pretty much had sex with Springer.

Pammie wants bust removed?

2006-01-17T10:04:00.000Z

"Animal rights activist Pamela Anderson is in front of a campaign to have the bust of KFC founder, Harlan Sanders, removed. Not long ago, Anderson called the Kentucky natives likeness a monument to original recipe cruelty - in a press release issued through People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) - and vowed to appear topless at selected KFC outlets in order to protest the company's treatment of chickens." - The Celebrity Blog

I'm sure you'll agree there are a couple of amazing things about this article:

1) The Colonel is real? Why did no-one tell me this before, I thought he was like the Hamburglar (because Ronald McDonald is alive and well and living in Bahrain)?

2) Does Pam honestly believe that going topless is the best way to keep people away from a fast food chicen restaurant? Pam honey, it didn't keep them away from the Oscars or any other place you've been outside in daylight. Your knockers are not the best deterrent I can think of for putting a bunch of sweaty truckers off their fried chicken.

Do they think we're stupid? - They are so engaged.

2006-01-13T16:48:00.000Z

There are only three reasons Cammie and JT would do this a) he finally go a movie roll without you blackmailing the producers, b) you've been away for a really long time and it's been a reallly long time (ya know I'm sayin'?) or c) after a half-assed proposal in your living room he finally came home with the $50,000 Harry Winstone Diamond. And the first two never happened.

"Hey honey - I'm not just big in Germany"

2006-01-13T16:31:00.000Z

Out of my way ladies, the Hoff is back on the market. He and his wife of 16 years Pamela Bach have filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences. I am praying to all my gods that somehow, some way, Jessica Simpson and the Hoff bump into one another at a party. Sparks fly, the Hoff takes her back to his bachelor pad in Kit, and in a few months a 'Newlyweds' even I would want to watch, just brilliant.

Nice day for a Pink wedding

2006-01-13T15:28:00.000Z

Pink marries boyfriend Carey Hart. Normally as you know i'm a cruel heartless bitch, but I have nothing bad to say about this pair. She looks fantastic so does he and the wedding looks like a class act. Nice.

Leonardo Di Caprio rides -

2006-01-13T15:19:00.000Z

model Bobbie Brown, "Baby Spice" Emma Bunton, lap dancer Karen Butler, model Naomi Campbell, singer Mariah Carey, model Helena Christensen, bartender Linnea Dietrichson, celebrity Carmen Electra, TV host Sara Foster, model Vanessa Haydon, model Bridget Hall, actress Natasha Henstridge, model Eva Herzigova, Paris Hilton, pornstar Kendra Jade, actress Juliette Lewis, model Kate Moss, model Carla Paneka, singer Bijou Phillips, actress Alicia Silverstone, model Alyssa Sourovoya, model Amber Valetta, model Gisele Bundchen, actress Sienna Miller and actress Lindsay Lohan – oops sorry no I meant a SCOOTER, yeah scooter.

Food for thought

2006-01-13T11:13:00.000Z

Now you know me Junkie readers I'll normally defend the truth of even the most spurious of celebrity rumours (Cruise an alien - 'tis the height of dependable truth sir) but this one stretches even my eager will to believe.

"Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are investing millions in Los Angeles’ cake shop Sweet Lady Jane, according to American publication In Touch. For their favorite bakery, not only that the twins have reportedly invested $2 million, but also are coming up with cake ideas for Sweet Lady Jane.Sweet Lady Jane’s bakers have created wedding cakes for celebrities like Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Springsteen and Carnie Wilson." - from the Celebrity Blog

Mary-Kate and Ashley eat, least of all cakes? Unless Sweet Lady Jane make cakes made entirely from cotton wool soaked in orange juice this story must be fabricated. The Olsen's eat, ha!

Fighting talk

2006-01-13T10:05:00.000Z

Understandably Sienna Miller is still quite cross about nanny Daisy Wright (picured) who famously boinked her fiance, Jude Law, last year:

"I'm quite looking forward to the day our paths will cross, which I know they will... She better live in fear. I just hope she doesn't run into me in a dark alley."

I'm always bemused with girls who blame the other woman and forgive their philandering fella, but more confuing still is how 5'5", 7 stone wet through, Sienna hopes to terrify the rather sturdy looking Daisy in said dark alley?

Bad plastic surgery or Kate Moss bitch slap - you decide

2006-01-12T16:26:00.000Z

I like to think that Jess got this black eye, she was sporting yesterday, after watching Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan perform their lap dance. I imagine Jess leering at Linz and attempting to put a ten dollar bill in her g-string, shortly followed by Kate swinging round the poll and kicking her in the face for touching her little bitch.

In reality there seems to be no reason for the shiner, maybe bad botox?

The White Stuff

2006-01-12T15:43:00.000Z

In Hollywood, as in life, things are always better when the prettiest girls are drunk, drugged out of their minds and swinging half naked round a pole. Which is why here at the Junkie we would like to offer Kate Moss and Lindsay Lohan a safe haven where their drug addled antics are free to flourish, free from the restraints of laws or considerations of public decency.

After spending time off their faces in an NYC club earlier this week scraping "scarlet is a c*nt" on the toilet wall with a razor blade, they moved on a few days later to this;

But the fun really started when Moss jumped on the stage nearest the main bar and began grinding against a pole, much to the delight of hundreds of red-blooded banker types.
"Kate was going wild," a witness told us. "After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers..." - from Page Six

It's good to know that Moss is teaching young Hollywood the finer points of hell raising etiquette. Hey, maybe they'll reopen the Viper Room.

I must read things more carefully

2006-01-12T12:42:00.000Z

Whilst reading this seemingly inane announcement that Hilton is to present an award at the brits I was momentarily cheered when I misread booed for boned.

"Paris Hilton is the big American name who will be there on the night to present an award. She has exactly the right credentials to get herself into trouble on the night. She could well get herself booed by the serious rock 'n' roll contingent - and whatever happens she won't be boring." (from The Sun)

Well whatever happens, the next day the Junkie will definitely be reporting that Paris got boned by the serious rock 'n' roll contingent - only because that girl seems to get boned everywhere she goes.

Who needs stitching up?

2006-01-12T11:37:00.000Z

Shock horror - Celeb marriage a publicity stunt?

2006-01-11T15:18:00.000Z

Say it aint so, a contractual celebrity union forged for publicity purposes. You're breaking my true love believing little heart.

"Mr. Lachey signed over to Ms. Simpson all royalties from '98 Degrees' songs, his appearance on an MTV reality show to promote her albums and perfume line, and his soul in exchange for 41 months of marriage that would keep him in the public spotlight, The couple has been married only 38 months and Ms. Simpson is in violation of the contract, ending the union early." - Nick Lachey's attorney.

I bet all that stuff about Nick talking dirty and wearing girls shoes is crap too.

Get it here first!

2006-01-11T14:13:00.000Z

It's official. No, not the Pitt-Jolie Demi-God child. The Junkie confirmed that days ago, it's official that the Junkie really is the bestest place to get your hot gossip, ON THE PLANET. The Junkie's personal physician Dr Pseudonym has confirmed that self-aggrandising is good for the soul. So just for the record the junkie is even more smokin' hot than Angie's fetus, official.

Spring wedding for Diaz and Timberlake?

2006-01-11T12:04:00.000Z

May be i'm just desperate for gossip but aren't those shoes Cammie is trying on a little bridal? I'm going to say yes, that's proof enough for me that they are getting hitched.

Kate Cruise - just an optical illusion?

2006-01-11T09:56:00.000Z

I thought I was scared of Tom Cruise and his anal probe before but now that he can transform women into young/old optical illusions? That shit is bananas.

p.s thanks to Celeboganda for the Katie pic!

Jess's breast makes singing debut

2006-01-11T09:43:00.000Z

"And now y'all my nipple has a little song for you, written by my perky li'l breast. I just wanna dedicate it to my daddy who helped me pick my pretty dress. Papa this one's for you"

Whale attacks dolphins!

2006-01-10T14:13:00.000Z

Mariah swims with the dolphins on her winter vacation in St Barth's. Swam with/attacks, Mariah/Whale, Potato/Potatoe - whatever.

The second coming - Confirmed

2006-01-10T12:12:00.000Z

Angelina Jolie is definitely pregnant. Don't ask me how I know I just do (a little Junkie bird told me - and she's good source material) . This means that the second messiah is on his way and we all have to prepare. Since we all now slavishly bow to the modern religion which is, obscene good looks, I fail to see how a child of Angie and Brad could be anything but the second coming.

Of course I cannot confirm that Brad is the father of said messiah only that she definitely has a bun in the oven.

I would like to take this opportunity then, to invite two junkie readers to join me as the other two 'Wise Junkings'. I say we take offerings of Terrys All Gold (for more info see http://www.kraftafh.co.uk/Cultures/en-GB/Products/Confectionery/Terrys/), Frankenstein starring Kenneth Brannah and the friends second season box set. Who's with me?

Ass for hire - slightly used and abused by Brazilian Supermodel

2006-01-10T11:51:00.000Z

Is Leonardo DiCaprio a gigolo? Because it seems that every needy messed up starlet who's agent is demanding more column inches has had a go with him. Now I'm not suggesting Leo is a whore. I'm just saying that maybe he has sex for money, with Lindsay Lohan and Sienna Miller.

Steve-O is my Her-O

2006-01-10T11:14:00.000Z

If you could practice the ancient art of mind control and take over someone's body causing them to spectacularly crash their car, who would it be?

Well the Junkie polled over 14,000 people and 106% said Paris Hilton. Which is great because that is what Jackass Steve-O actually went and did. Of course he used substances to accomplish what the rest of the populous have only ever dreamed of, but Donald Trump has been using the same method to secure wives for 6 centuries and we all consider that acceptable.

Of course there are skeptics who claim that Paris has no mind and is merely a battery operated 6 foot sex toy, but who am I to wade into that argument. Please refer all questions regarding Hilton's humanity to our resident physician, Dr Pseudonym.

A public plea

2006-01-10T10:50:00.000Z

Dear Britney Spears,

I know you have been out of work for some time now and that the situation has become so dire that you have agreed to be a backing singer on your husband Kevin Federslime's new album. I would just like to take this opportunity Ms Spears to offer you, what I am sure will be, a welcome career alternative.

In the wake of Christmas overeating the Junkie has not been feeling quite as lithe and toned as is usual. In fact the Junkie has even felt a little Mariah Carey-esque of late and in order to avoid any unnecessary and unpleasant physical exercise we are now seeking some alternative method of restoring the junkie's self esteem.

This, Ms Spears, is where you come in. We would like to offer you the tremendous and prestigious opportunity of simply following the Junkie around every day. This way the junkie's self esteem will be incomparably boosted and have a much improved body image , compared to you, and you won't have to degrade yourself by appearing on any nasty, eardrum assaulting, flop written all over it, debut album.

Have your people call our people.

Yours sincerely

Dr Emmanuel Pseudonym
Personal Physician to the Junkie

p.s I am a little concerned about your nipple peering at your shoes like that, you might want to get that checked out.

This 'it' bag is sooo over

2006-01-06T14:54:00.000Z

We at the Junkie are all well aware that it takes Britney Spears quite some time to catch onto stuff, i.e. perverts will love you if you wear school uniform, if you say you're still a virgin everyone will assume you're not, your husband is an ugly golddigging loser, so when she strolls out of a shop clutching a chocolate Chloe Paddington I think it's time for us all to stop coveting them. Seriously girls if Brit has it you don't want it.

Cameron Diaz not assassinated by the Trousersnake

2006-01-06T14:34:00.000Z

Female first are reporting this piece of news under the headline 'Justin back with a bang'. I hurriedly opened the article in the vain hope that it contained a graphic account of the Trousersnake taking a double-barreled shotgun to the Junkie's favourite publicity hungry young starlet (natch) long time lady friend Cameron Diaz. Sadly this was not to be and the only news is that Justin is to kick off his new album promotion with a world tour and a 50 foot billboard in the centre of London. People people you cannot mislead me like that it's false advertising, I had already started preparing a green hat/cum hair tribute!

Latex vampire threesome

2006-01-06T10:41:00.000Z

I'm really starting to like Kate Beckinsale, i went off her for a while when she went to Hollywood, got hair extensions and a tan and sin of all sins got her teeth done. But now I realise that she's still the same English rose underneath. Of course the reason why everyone is talking about her at the moment is because she has to generate some publicity for the new Underworld movie, but something tells me that that the fact she wears head to toe latex for the entire film and has a girl on girl on boy vampire threesome will ensure some box office revenue.

I particularly like the way she has dealt with the allegation that she cheated on husband of 19 months Len Wiseman.

"There's a made-up story where I'm supposed to have gone rushing off to England for a secret tryst with a male friend. Well it's actually my friend's husband and they've just had a baby. Supposedly I took advantage of the swollen ankles and moved in for the kill. We have a good giggle about that one. I keep sending my friend emails saying, But your husband is a fantastic shag, isn't he?" (Quote from Female First)

She's convinced me that it's all just another stalkerazzi fabrication to fill gossip blogs like this, but on the other hand I wouldn't let that sexy bitch within 100 yards of my husband.

Black Tuesday for Hilton

2006-01-06T10:08:00.000Z

You know you've been thinking about celebrities too much when you start to dream about them but when Paris Hilton enters you're slumber it makes you wonder if you should carry on. Last night I dreamt that I was at a party and met Paris and I liked her! Also I gave her my hamster. It was at that point that I realised I was dreaming because I am a responsible adult and would not of course entrust Rabid Hilton with any small animal.

To ease my tortured mind this morning I refreshed my memory of Paris's upcoming court cases. She is to appear in Court on the 17th January (which has been quickly dubbed 'Black Tuesday') to be sued by Zeta Graff fellow heir-head for claiming in the New York post that Graff attacked her and tried to steal her diamonds and also by Los Angeles promoter (did you ever hear a more spurious job title?) Brian Quintana, who has claimed that Rabid bad mouthed him and threatened his life and is now seeking a restraining order.

My favourite part of the story is the response of Hilton's spokesperson. Now lets set the scene. You're in an early 19th century English drawing room, surrounded by various characters from cleudo, the scene is lit by an oil lamp and scored with a raging thunderstorm. When asked to comment about you're clients involvement in a courtroom scandal you say:

"When all of the facts are revealed in this matter, they will show that the victim is, in fact, Paris Hilton." (This should ideally be followed by an atmospheric crack of thunder and a da da daaaa!)

Now that's some classy PR.

Celebrity cover up

2006-01-05T15:48:00.000Z

My mate Kate Beckinsale has suggested that she requires a burkha to avoid being recognised by the general public:

"I could cause all kinds of havoc in a burkha. Times like this, it would be so handy to be a Saudi! Actually, I'm surprised there aren't more celebrities in burkhas. You wouldn't have to work out. You could let yourself go. We should design a non-religious celebrity burkha with a floral print." (Quote from GQ magazine)

But rather than covering up the very pretty Ms Beckinsale I suggest there are much better candidates for keeping under wraps. My suggestion is that we stick Paris Hilton in a hessian sack and throw her off a bridge, but enough about my weekend plans, who would you make wear the celebrity burkha or perhaps more appropriately for some celebs (cough.. Mariah) the celebrity Moo moo?

This woman sells her sex appeal for a living?

2006-01-05T15:40:00.000Z

I've never really had particularly strong feeling about Mooriah Carey before the last couple of weeks but is she kidding us with this?

"I'm so excited to get in bed, watch movies and eat. I joke that I need a bib because I'm such a messy eater. At a restaurant people are looking at you so when I'm in private I eat like a two-year-old."(Quote from the Daily Mirror)

I give it 6 months before she officially takes to her bed and can only be removed by a fork lift truck and a burly man with a sharp stick.

All quiet on the gossip front

2006-01-05T15:03:00.000Z

It's no surprise to the Junkie that this is a slow week on the gossip front. If it makes sense that the rest of us are hiding away in our warm homes hoping that by the time we emerge we'll have worked off our Christmas pounds it makes sense that celebs, paragons of slender virtue, are doing the same.

There are one or two lil' titbits trickling through but quite frankly the whole Lindsay Lohan pregnancy test almost certainly fake photos have been talked about to death enough on the internet so we at the Junkie don't intend to waste your time.

And so in our time of gossip need who should come to our aid but Tom Cruise and his glove puppet Katie Holmes. Allegedly Christmas with the in-laws didn't go down too well. The official story is that Daddy Holmes doesn't like the way Tom is so controlling of Katie and the atmosphere became very uncomfortable, culminating in Tom-Kat leaving 3 days early.

I prefer to believe that Grandma Holmes put the moves on Cruise after too many gins on Christmas Eve, he responded by claiming that he'd seen a vision of Cult Leader Hubbard in the turkey and refused to let anyone eat any of the bird claiming it to be a sacred sign from space. To top the weekend off I assume Cruise tried to get into the shower with Daddy Holmes claiming he'd been giving him the come on all afternoon by discussion old episodes of star trek and agreeing that there is no such thing as mental health. This is however pure speculation and may not actually have happened.

Whippet Hilton

2006-01-04T11:35:00.000Z

I always thought there was something strangely suspicious about her fondness for dogs and I think you'll agree I'm right on the money with this comparison.

Uncanny!

Lohan shoots the breeze

2006-01-04T10:44:00.000Z

Lohan: Hey Paris how's it going Biatch, so I just got released from hospital after my New Years Eve "asthma attack". Am I sick? Come on girl even you must have noticed that I have a fine pair of lungs. No it was just "exhaustion" yeah you know what I'm talkin about. Hey listen you wanna hang out later at the coffee bean, I hear Britney's gonna show up, we can sit in the corner and make fun of eating real food. Oh listen P I gotta go I've got another call...

......Hey Nicole, how's it goin girl, oh you know where we can get some good "exhaustion", what Colin Farrell hooked you up, I'll be there in 5 minutes, if I can manage not to crash on the way. Laters"

Top celebrity loonies

2006-01-03T16:11:00.000Z

During a slow news week I know I can always rely on the quite frankly bonkers Gwyneth Paltrow to say something mind-numbingly stupid. Paltrow has apparently revealed that she and hemp wearing crooner Chris Martin are intending to call their new unborn baby Capone. Yep that's right Capone. I like to think Paltrow and Martin realised that their kid was going to face some serious bullying at Primrose Hill High for obscenely privileged children and decided to give the child a tough first name to counteract the inevitable school yard, macrobiotic lunchbox taunts.

And just so my day really goes with a swing Paltrow then announced that her London home is haunted and she is having a Kabbala Rabbi come cleanse it for her. I promise I didn't make this up, although I can't promise someone else didn't. But I can believe this coming from a woman who reportedly eats naked in front of a mirror wearing red string around her waist so she doesn't overeat. (Which is clearly normal behavior and how I ate my Christmas dinner, although Grandma Junkie was a little shocked at first she's taken it up wholeheartedly now.)

Update: In case you were wondering what such an excorcism might entail the super sleuth sources at Female First have the answer:

A team of Kabbalah followers are now expected to read psalms and blow a ram's horn as part of the exorcism.

That's just great.

Brad Pitt - Womb Raider

2006-01-03T14:19:00.000Z

Ooops who posted that photo, silly me. Anyway in new news Brad has allegedly gotten Angie up the duff, bun in the oven, in the family way.

Well I say good for them and their outrageously attractive offspring, here's hoping that pregnancy doesn't ruin Angelina's smokin' hot bod and that Brad doesn't run off with Lindsey Lohan. Unless they do something in the next couple of days which sends me anti-brangelina in which case I hope both of those things happen.

News just in

2006-01-03T11:50:00.000Z

Is Mariah Carey the new incredible hulk? Because if not there can only be one other explanation for her clothes spontaneously ripping apart off her body to expose her chest, that her publicist has fed her one too many lard-shakes.

Oh actually there may be another, that she is a publicity hungry ho. I prefer to think of her as the hulk.

I am soooo over you Britney

2006-01-03T11:21:00.000Z

Okay Mrs Cletus-Spears, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, I even liked you better when you went a little off the rails, but now I am done with you! This whole K-Fed affair has now started to make me feel sick. There was a glimmer of hope back there when you sent his car back and threw him out, but now he's back and your all (putting on fake whiny voice),

"I want another baby, as soon as possible, I want a little girl this time so she can be as skanky as me, I am gonna teach her not to brush her straw hair and sleep in heavy eye make-up everyday. Oh and a black evening dress and brown cowboy boots will make her the envy of all the other screwed up celebrity kids at the playground"

I've tried and you can't say I haven't. Sitting outside your house in the middle of the night singing your lyrics at Kevin to distract you from your obscene coupling, writing you hundreds of letters trying to make you see the error of your ways. Desperately hoping Hilton's hacker had your phone number. I've done everything I could for you. But now you've gone too far even for the Junkie. We are through Britney Spears, it's over.

There are no words

2006-01-03T11:13:00.000Z

I'm just so sorry, I had to do it. Again, Sorry.

The Bitch is back

2006-01-03T10:55:00.000Z

Happy 2006 gossip monkeys. Just to ease me back into the swing of things my old pal Courtney Cox-I-used-to-be-a-celebrity-Arquette has announced that she is afraid of phones.

The ex-friends star announced "I hate talking on the phone. I just hate it."The only time I like talking on the phone is when I'm in my car. I don't like to sit down to speak."

What kind of car does this woman drive where you don't sit down? The only vehicle I can think of is the pope-mobile and it strikes me that Court' is the kind of girl who might well affect some of the traits of the late pontiff. Encouraging unsafe sex, getting people to kiss your ring, that kind of thing.

Off for Christmas

2005-12-22T12:19:00.000Z

Well that's it for '05 Junkie's i'm off to get lashed on free booze paid for by satan's bog brush (a.k.a the boss). Hope you all have a wonderful holiday.

I'm back on the 3rd Jan and i'm only blogging if Britney serves the divorce papers on K-Fed!

See you in '06.

Vince Vaughan be afraid

2005-12-22T09:58:00.000Z

Now I feel is the time for the Junkie to wade into the debate over Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. I've bided my time and taken in all the information and now over 12 months on I feel ready to give them both a piece of my mind. (One of the pieces not nibbled by mice I hasten to add.)

Now at first my loyalties lay with Team Aniston, after all she was the injured party, and Brad Pitt had the audacity to say in public that he always considered marriage to be a not forever kind of thing.

Then she burnt her wedding dress, whilst drunk, and danced around the burning pyre that was her marriage to the worlds most fancied man.

Then she said this,

"I hope to be on the road to having a family in the next year. I've said this before and I desperately don't want to repeat myself, but I just like being in a partnership."

As I read this the music from psycho which Janet Leigh died to, which I assume Vaughan is familiar, with filtered through my thoughts. This statement makes Aniston sound like one of those chicks who forget to take the contraceptive pill or forget that they heated a sewing needle and discreetly pierced each of the 48 condoms in the bedside drawer. Creepy.

The dress we were all dying to see

2005-12-22T09:29:00.000Z

Thankyou soo much to top site the Superficial for this photo. I know it's probably fake but quite frankly who cares. I am loving the idea of that leathery strip of beef jerky Donatella Versace zipping the fabulous Elton John into his enormous bespoke Versace gown.

I love Elton and I don't have a bad word to say about him and if he wants to dance around on his wedding day wearing a dress that Mariah Carey woudl have selected then that's ok with the Junkie. Donatella though, well she's got a face like a bucket of smashed crabs and that's the nicest thing I can think of to say about her.

Britney gets her priorities right

2005-12-20T15:02:00.000Z

Brit brit is apparently suing American mag US weekly for $20 million in damages after they scurrilously published rumours (would you believe such a thing) about the existence of a Britney/K-fed sex tape which apparently had her lawyers in stitches.

It's nice to know that Britney cares that the gossip community all think she actually has sex with that hairball but not that we think he a) needs a wash b) cannot rap for toffee (and she knows it) and c) cynically married her for her money.

Bradvestite

2005-12-20T14:22:00.000Z

Well I knew Jolie likes girls but this is ridiculous.

Breaking News

2005-12-20T14:12:00.000Z

Sienna Miller, the Junkie's guest pubic hair public health announcer has shocked the literary world today by announcing that she has penned two lines of verse to read to lover Jude Law on Christmas, the one year anniversary of their engagement, which will melt even the most hardened womanisers heart. It goes as follows:

"We've had our ups and downs this year. But I'm so alone when you're not near.
You make me frown and make me smile. But I won't be down when we walk up the aisle."

Look out Shakespeare.

In other Sienna revelations she has admitted that she's always had a deep love of meaningful poetry and often quotes classic verse with friends.

"It sounds so pretentious but it's one of my favourite things.
I've got this group of friends who are quite bohemian and we get drunk, get the books out and read."

Pretentious? No. I've had many a night like that they often begin, "there was a young girl from Nantucket"

Scariest photograph EVER!

2005-12-20T11:40:00.000Z

Oh my god.

Why is Mickey Mouse hiding in her hair?

Why is that little bloke, mini me, from Austin Powers and his twin hiding in her dress?

Why has someone attached grappling hooks fixed to wires onto her face and is now standing right behind her out of sight pulling on them really really hard?

Alicia Silverstone, Brittany needs you again and this time forget all that, be yourself, you're beautiful inside crap. Help her look pretty and for the love of god save her face before it rips in two down the middle and scoots off round the back of her head.

Edit: Oh and also I hear she needs a new agent so if anyone is interested in attempting to ressurect her career? I hear there's some chap out there called Lazarus who might just be able to do the trick.

"Give me the full Brazilian"

2005-12-19T14:08:00.000Z

Sienna demostrates why we should all keep up to date with our bikini waxes.

"It's a fair cop guv"

2005-12-19T14:01:00.000Z

Well wouldn't you know it. In a serious case of life imitating the art of Pete Doherty only two days after exiting rehab the Retail Junkie was cruelly arrested and held in custody for a long weekend on suspicion of possession of illegal narcotics. It turns out all I was carrying was smarties and tic tacs but would the police believe me? Well obviously no.

Anyway the point is i've been away for a while but I haven't deserted by devoted Junkies. I probably won't be posting much before next year now but stay tuned for fresh goss in the new year.

Merry Gin Soaked Christmas and a very Drunken New Year!

So I said "if you're gonna do it do it right do it with me!"

2005-12-13T12:28:00.000Z

I love it when people make wild overblown completely unsubstantiated claims about people who are now dead and are completely unable to defend themselves against said claims. George Michael has announced to the world that Princess Diana totally had the hots for him and couldn't wait to get him into bed. He wasn't all that keen on her, her not having a willy and all, and basically avoided her. The implication being that this clearly led to her spiralling despair and eventual death.

On that note Marlon Brando came on to me once. I told him to get lost, live on an island and get incredibly fat...the rest folks is history.

Conversation in a drag bar - Part 2

2005-12-13T10:27:00.000Z

Amanda Playwith: You know that rule that girls shouldn't wear full on eyeshadow AND full on lipstick if they wanna avoid lookin' like whores.

Iona Sextoy: Mmmm Hmmm.

AP: Just explain to me again why it isn't a good look to look like a hooker?

IS: Honey child it is my goal in life to look as available as possible to anyone or anything, now move over girl I think I just spotted a Greek shipping heir.

Calling Robbie Williams

2005-12-13T10:15:00.000Z

According to FemaleFirst.co.uk Robbie Williams is blaming his failure as a womaniser on the fact that he has lots of cash. I can see where he's coming from. I mean it's not as though ugly, possibly homosexual, oldish, rich men have ever been able to secure the affections of young, nubile, super hot nymphs in holy and happy matrimony before.

So in the name of all that is good in this world I would personally like to offer my assistance to Mr Williams and selflessly offer to take his millions. I know what you're thinking. Don't do it Junkie it'll ruin your life, how will you ever be happy. Well I know the risks but so a slightly mangled tattooed bloke from Stoke can achieve true romantic happiness.... I'll do it. Robbie give me a call.

Rehab Junkie

2005-12-13T09:53:00.000Z

Phew, sorry I've been away for a while but rehab was calling and I haven't seen all my bestest friends in the "clinic" for months and boy was I "exhausted". While I was there I bumped into Irish bad boy Colin Farrell, also "exhausted". Don't let the photo fool you those aren't aren't artfully arranged pieces of tough guy jewellery on his wrists he's actually strapped to the chair.

Anyway he leaked to the junkie that the reason he was in rehab was because filming the big screen version of Miami Vice was getting all too much for the poor little leprechaun. So he decided to smoke a little exhaustion, snort a little exhaustion, use a little unidentified exhaustion and then get rushed to hospital following an exhaustion overdose. Just another occupational hazard for those hardworking actors, like getting herpes from Paris Hilton.

It's all over

2005-12-08T10:19:00.000Z

Aahh how sad the family portrait we'll never see again. The stick thing and DJ AM are no more. I am actually quite surprised. I mean she got together with him when he was chunkie and now he's emaciated too they're over? What the hell? I believed in you guys and you're letting me down! I watched you surprise her on the simple life! How could you do this to me! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE!

You're once twice....threeeeee times a lady and I looooeeeoooove yoou I looooeeeovvveee yoouu.

Phew I think I need a little lie down.

Tragedy strikes!

2005-12-08T09:52:00.000Z

It is my sad duty to inform the world that Mariah Carey has been involved in a tragic accident while reaching for a pie which had been strategically placed beneath a precariously balanced samurai blade. The accident has left her with both arms amputated below the elbow' leaving her completely incapacitated. It also appears that whilst the samurai blade was slicing and dicing her arms an enormous bowl of decorative ugly sticks, also precariously balanced, fell and pumelled Carey around the face leaving her with a puffy, eyes like pee holes in the snow, appearance.

We at the Junkie would like to wish Mariah a speedy recovery and are just glad that her publicist is on hand to feed her the liquid lard so essential to her diet. Our hearts are with you Moo Moo.

In da Bungalow

2005-12-07T15:33:00.000Z

Sienna Miller has obviously been listening to Mischa Barton's publicist (see Thursday November 10th post) and is getting it on with Leonardo DiCaprio for the sake of her career.

At least that's what onlookers at Bungalow 8 (super hot NYC club) have reported. Of course they were only seen flirting but we know what's going on. A little bumping uglies to wind up the Judester aye Miller you dirty little monkey.

Robbie Williams not gay

2005-12-07T15:11:00.000Z

Okay okay Bob I'll stop referring to you as that Turd burglar that used to be in Take That.

What's so bad about being gay anyway? You wouldn't have to feel up that munter anymore who has clearly never been introduced to a little thing called a hairbrush. There must be wild stoats living in there. Brush it Hunter.

Not as dumb as she looks

2005-12-07T10:19:00.000Z

I smell something fishy about this whole marriage breakup stuff (and it's not Federline) it's all a little too public. The unceremonious ferrari return, the chasing to Vegas, the partying with Spears brother and then all the missed public engagements including the Billboard's.

I think this is all working out according to little Britney's plan. Have a year off, get married again, have a baby, get fat, chuck out your skanky husband, keep your cute baby coz you know he doesn't want them having left 2 behind already.

All whilst keepin her name, image and every movement the hottest pap ticket in town...... Smart girl.

Angie baby

2005-12-07T09:54:00.000Z

Oh Angie what have you done? This whole Brad adopting your cute kids thing. Honey you are too hot for him. He's too obvious. Is it because he was married? Did it give you a kick to steal him from Aniston, didn't that just make the sex so much spicier? But now settling down, I'd advise you against it but I know you'd only rebel (aside: she doesn't take advice well).

At least I'm pretty sure you two won't marry now. After all the non-married adoption process is a pretty complicated affair and why would you bother if you could just get hitched at George's lake como place? I can see why you wouldn't want to marry you two don't exactly have the best track record.

Listen Angie if you want to talk it through and have a rethink I'm here for you.

Oh and Angie if you speak to your dad (however unlikely that is) will you tell him that I think dating Diana Ross is an even better career move than starring in Anaconda.

Conversation in a drag bar

2005-12-06T09:30:00.000Z

I imagine when Tori Spelling went to her local drag hangout, The Black Garter, the conversation went a little like this:

Miss Take: Oooo girlfriend you are workin' those shorts girl mmm hmmm and who is your surgeon I am lovin' those BJ lips.

Lady Marmalade: Oh no biatch you did not wear your city shorts when I told you I was wearin' mine. I expressly told you girl don't you go stealin' my thang.

Tori Spelling: Mister sister you are soo far behind the times, don't you know the latest way to convince everyone you are a living breathing too wong foo thankyou for everything Julie Newmar WOMAN is a fake pregnancy!

Miss Take: Oh no you didn't.

Tori Spelling: Haven't you ho's been reading the junkie? Just look what it's doing for Katie Holmes career.

Madonna makes birds bleed

2005-12-05T16:54:00.000Z

"I was mad for shooting a couple of years ago," Maddy told Tatler magazine "I loved my bespoke outfits and everything. It was so much fun. That all changed when a bird dropped in front of me that I'd shot. It wasn't dead. It got up, and it was really suffering. Blood was gushing out of its mouth, and it was struggling . . . I haven't shot since . . . I realized I had a kind of bloodlust, and was manically shooting things and trying to kill as many birds as possible."

Hey shooting things makes them bleed and kills them! No shit!

Hot or Not?

2005-12-05T15:25:00.000Z

Do you like me wander around your local town debating the various merits and de-merits of the general populous in the attractiveness stakes? Do you often want to strike some hussy in a short dress and warn her that she is not rockin' that lycra number? Do you really want to order that hairy arsed builder to put his shirt back on. Well now you kind of can. www.hotornot.com allows you to rate your fellow human beings in terms of their attractiveness. Do it for the rest of humanity.

While you're at it click on the hot or not link to the right and rate the junkie. Only if you think we're a 10 of course.

2005-12-05T14:46:00.000Z

Mary-Kate Olsen is said to be donating some of her clothes to an Aids charity, so if your 5 year olds wants some bag lady clothes or you know any naked hobbits/rhesus monkeys you know where to go to sort them out for some new duds.

Robbie Williams is a sucker

2005-12-05T13:35:00.000Z

Now may be in America 'sucker' is a totally hard, hip hop, gangsta, kind of insult but in the UK it's considered a pretty crap way to strike the fear of god into someone. Which is why I was concerned that 'fitty' may have harmed his image by branding Karaoke Bob a sucker. It's all a bit Mr T.

Apparently the feud arose from a night they spent together at the Ritz Carlton Berlin (ok not together but this is a pretty thin story). Fitty was distressed when he drove up to the hotel to the sounds of fans chanting 'Robbie, Robbie', later on that evening Robbie complained to reception that Fitty was keeping him awake, details of how he was causing the said insomnia have not been released at this time.

In retaliation Fitty, giving an interview to the UK's Glamour magazine, said that he thought the feud may have arisen because he refused to meet Robbie.

I pity the fool who messes with Fitty.

The Pete Doherty Guide to pulling a beautiful woman

2005-12-05T13:01:00.000Z

1. Join underground Indie Brit band. Preferably with a niche underground fan base and haunting existentialist outlook.

2. Try heroin... Like it.

3. Select target woman. Woman should be incredibly successful, beautiful in a none conventional edgy kind of way and have a massive secret coke habit.

4. Begin to date woman and convince her that you are a true 21st century poet. This can easily be achieved by writing a song about her.

5. Get mate to take photos and video of her indulging in said massive secret coke habit and leak to popular press.

6. Whilst she undergoes rehab at posh Arizona clinic, run around with other women and basically give the impression that should she get back together with you upon her release social services should really be removing her child.

7. Try rehab yourself...Don't like it. Release yourself after a few days and then shortly afterwards and get caught in a car full of drugs. By the police.

8. Make a couple of public statement about beautiful woman who won' talk to you. First say you are amazed she has gotten herself clean in rehab as her hitherto massive secret coke habit was truly epic. Then when this didn't work try saying you will give prison (sorry rehab) a go again and that you and the beautiful woman are going to get back together.

If you choose your target carefully this course of action will definitely work. However, you must be aware that this will inevitably result in years of tumultuous marriage, affairs, children and ultimately suicide. If it's any consolation your music will be highly respected after your death and everyone will laud you for the 21st century poet you are and love the said beautiful woman for spotting it all along (the exception to the rule being Courtney Love of course).

What a wonderful world

2005-12-05T12:18:00.000Z

It gives me hope that in the midst of all the identikit perma tanned blonde idiotic celebrities, the seemingly most genuine wedding of the year (well Elton's hasn't happened yet) has occurred between Dita von Teese and Marilyn Manson. And guess what folks, not a human sacrifice in sight, just the much makeuped one and his frankly drop dead hot bride marrying in front of 60 friends. We love it.

Tie me up

2005-12-02T16:36:00.000Z

Lots of blogs are slating Jessica Alba for this outfit but I must say I am loving it. I think Alba often dresses quite boringly but I think this combo is gorgeous. So sexy rock chick, which is a look the Junkie is rockin' at the moment. It's only a matter of time before she's dating Brandon Flowers the lead singer of the Killers. Man their babies would be cute.

Giant ties for all!

Let's reach out to each other people

2005-12-02T16:06:00.000Z

Wanna talk to the Junkie? Think you've got a hot tip we should be blogging about? Seen a hot dress or pair of shoes which some Fugly star should be wearing and isn't? Get in touch at TheRetailJunkie@hotmail.co.uk.

Special request post

2005-12-02T15:06:00.000Z

By special request by a Retail Junkie reader I post photos of Brit Brit, Federfug and child. Now I'm sorry the photo is soo small but it was difficult to get the right angle with my telephoto lens, then I had technical problems but if you look closely you can clearly see the baby. Now I know what you're thinking, the poor thing looks like a dog. Well I guess it just takes after it's father.

Maybe I'm just twisted

2005-12-02T14:56:00.000Z

At the Junkie we are betting people and now Britney has chucked Cletus the slack jawed yokel Federfug out of her Malibu home I give them just over 5 months before they break it off.

So in honour of this we've created the countdown to single again Britney. I'm gonna get sued soon.

Jessica Knoxville?

2005-12-02T14:32:00.000Z

I'm a little concerned that this blog is becoming the Jessica Simpson show but I'll press on anyway seeing as she is our biggest fan.

Now Jess you remember that advice I gave you, ditch man, ditch sunbeds, ditch plastic surgery? And then what did you do? You were photographed coming out of a restaurant in the US with gigantic fish lips weren't you, aha. Well I can't make the girl sort her shit out.

But maybe Jonny Knoxville can, apparently the Jackass star is comforting Jessica in her hour of need. The actor who became friends with Jessica on the set of The Dukes of Hazzard is said to be platonically comforting her. Hmm is that the same kind of platonic that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban who's parents have travelled from one continent to another continent to meet, may be engaged, may be getting married in January, may be having a baby, platonic?

Viva la Junkieism

2005-12-02T14:05:00.000Z

The Retail Junkie is very excited, the nice people at Google have clearly realised that we are the Globe's foremost authority of Retail Junkieism and now we're their top pick when you google the retail junkie.

Maybe one day we'll be as famous as Paris Hilton's 'you know what'.

Happy Birthday to you!

2005-12-02T12:08:00.000Z

Happy Birthday to our favourite 24 year old, married, with child, popstar called Britney.

It's Mrs Britney Jean Spears!